
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Cure for the indoor riding blues (aka the time I rode off the trainer, through the wall and into the next room).

Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Don't work.

Friday, December 5, 2008
Separated at Birth (the legend of young Tommy Danielstay)
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Boonen! (aka the time I brought the news a day late and a dollar short...again)

Thursday, October 30, 2008
How to utterly ruin a charity ride & lose a sponsor all in the same day

Amateurity: Catch the fever!

Monday, September 22, 2008
Towel Boy! (Slim's bachelor party Part I)

Sometimes a good nickname simply comes from one's obvious and innate characteristics. Other times, it's a poor decision and a laugh at one's expense. Oftentimes, it involves many cocktails. But rarely does one actually volunteer for said nickname. And nearly never do all of the above circumstances align at the very same moment in time. That's when the nickname actually sticks. Colby, this one's gonna be around for a while. And by a while, I mean forever.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Armstrong: Riders react (and confirm that Levi is a perennial non-factor at Astana)

Alejandro Valverde (Caisse d’Epargne): "If he did come back, he’d be ready to race the Tour, even though I don’t know if he could win it. I know that he hasn’t lost his physical form and if he begins to train in earnest he could be right there. I find it hard to believe that he’d come back, but if there are rumors, maybe something’s there. Astana with Contador and Armstrong would be one hell of a team!" True. But what about Levi?! Would somebody please let him ride? Let Levi ride. PLEASE.... SOMEBODY!
UPDATE: Apparently Johan won't. He had this to say about Astana's position at the Vuelta: "The team order is strictly put in place, though. "Alberto is the leader of the team. If the logic is respected, he is the best climber. The Angliru is very steep, in theory it should be good for him. But it's always good to have a second guy up there." So Levi is the second guy. The second guy doesn't win. The second guy is the first loser. The Mainstay knows that.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
You could put your money on the messenger....
You could...or you could just flush it down the toilet. It's all the same, really. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And desperate measures call for clutch hitters. And when it comes to knocking down a pint in 1.376 seconds, the Shrinking Man is clutch. Pacesetter had three wins in three days going into the post US100k TourDeCatur. Big Poppa brought down a W in the West Oak masters race on Saturday (and unfortunately he's got the t-shirt to prove it). Super Pooper won the Pro/Semi-Pro mtb race in Chattanooga on Sunday (and a Hello Kitty backpack to go along with it)...and TAdams took first place (out of the money) at the US100k NRC on Monday... with a fine 36th place. So in rolls the TourDeCatur, and Colby was looking like he was in danger of losing the King of the Cougars jersey. No sooner than it was thought, it was done. Philpot ran off with the goods. Unfortunately for Colby, he ran off with the cougar too. Pacesetter quickly shifted the game plan to focus on the sprinters jersey (a black GA Cup t-shirt, as it turns out). As you'll see, Shrinking Man stepped up and delivered. Some considered him an underdawg. Not this amateur. Unbeknownst to the tall, skinny, messenger that thought he won (even though he still had half a glass of beer left), this thing was over before it started. Word to the wise. If you don't do it all by yourself, the Shrinking Man WILL make you look silly. Most of us "forgot" how to do this somewhere around the second semester of our junior year in college...if not high school. Shrinking Man isn't "most of us". Watch and learn.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Here's to two-day hangovers...and recycled blog pics.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
The Def Leprechaun nails down a "Hot Chicks with Douchebags" glamour shot

Full story here. Drink at The Grange. I will. Like that just put me back in good graces. Sorry D, you were holding the gun, and it was pointed in the wrong direction.
Friday, August 15, 2008
My top 5 favorite names of countries (that I've never heard of) that have won more medals than Ireland (0)
1. Azerbaijan (4 medals- 1 gold, 2 silver, 1 bronze)
2. Uzbekistan (2 medals- 1 silver, 1 bronze)
3. Kyrgyzstan (2 medals- 1 silver, 1 bronze)
4. Togo (1 medal- 1 bronze)
5. Tajikistan (1 medal- 1 bronze)
Def Leprechaun- even the country of Georgia (less than half the size of the state of Georgia) has managed to pull down three medals...while the homeland is getting militarily throttled by Russia, no less.
Glass house, you say? True, the Greeks aren't exactly lighting up Beijing. But here's the deal...we invented the fucking Olympics. Our work is done here.
2. Uzbekistan (2 medals- 1 silver, 1 bronze)
3. Kyrgyzstan (2 medals- 1 silver, 1 bronze)
4. Togo (1 medal- 1 bronze)
5. Tajikistan (1 medal- 1 bronze)
Def Leprechaun- even the country of Georgia (less than half the size of the state of Georgia) has managed to pull down three medals...while the homeland is getting militarily throttled by Russia, no less.
Glass house, you say? True, the Greeks aren't exactly lighting up Beijing. But here's the deal...we invented the fucking Olympics. Our work is done here.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
David Millar? Is that you?
Have you changed your name and nationality and turned to wrestling?
BEIJING, Aug 14 (Reuters) - Swedish wrestler Ara Abrahamian threw down his greco-roman bronze medal in protest on Thursday after his bid for Olympic gold was ended by a decision denounced by the Swedish coach as “politics.”
Abrahamian took the bronze from around his neck during the medal ceremony, stepped from the podium and dropped it in the middle of the wrestling mat then walked off.
“I don’t care about this medal. I wanted gold,” he said.
A bitter Abrahamian, silver medalist at Athens 2004 who had high hopes of top honors in the 84kg competition in Beijing, announced he was quitting the sport.
“This will be my last match. I wanted to take gold, so I consider this Olympics a failure,” he said.
Amateur's note: this Olympics is not a failure. You are. Harden the fuck up, you fucking pansy.
Please also note that he's quitting the sport, not retiring. He's an amateur. I suspect the professional ranks don't exist in the sport of greco-roman wrestling. Tough to believe, with that level of professionalism.
BEIJING, Aug 14 (Reuters) - Swedish wrestler Ara Abrahamian threw down his greco-roman bronze medal in protest on Thursday after his bid for Olympic gold was ended by a decision denounced by the Swedish coach as “politics.”
Abrahamian took the bronze from around his neck during the medal ceremony, stepped from the podium and dropped it in the middle of the wrestling mat then walked off.
“I don’t care about this medal. I wanted gold,” he said.
A bitter Abrahamian, silver medalist at Athens 2004 who had high hopes of top honors in the 84kg competition in Beijing, announced he was quitting the sport.
“This will be my last match. I wanted to take gold, so I consider this Olympics a failure,” he said.
Amateur's note: this Olympics is not a failure. You are. Harden the fuck up, you fucking pansy.
Please also note that he's quitting the sport, not retiring. He's an amateur. I suspect the professional ranks don't exist in the sport of greco-roman wrestling. Tough to believe, with that level of professionalism.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Pooperman back in the news
CBrown (aka Super Pooper aka Pooperman) goes 4 for 4

CBrown lined up solo in the masters field at the Cleveland Crit for a little warm up. Won it. The he lined up with his new Pacesetter teammate TAdams for the Pro1/2 race. Won it. TAdams brought home 2nd after a two year hiatus from road racing. Pacesetter wins the masters and goes 1-2 in the Pro1/2...that's a first. And likely a last.
Sunday at Grant Park started much the same. Big Poppa and I lined up for the masters race to warm up for the Pro1/2 race. Won it. Big Poppa took the W, and the 300 bones that went along with it. The Amateur got a healthy little split for 45 minutes worth of riding around.
The follow-up was a little different. We made a mess of the Pro1/2 race, pretty much riding around in circles like the bunch of amateurs we are, while the pros did some racing. They pretty much rode circles around us. Actually, they quite literally rode circles around us. Three guys lapped. They're for real pros though. Hell, they can even retire from the sport someday. Me, I'll just quit. Amateurs quit. Retiring is for professionals.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Adam Bender: reason #346 why I need to HTFU
Ron, I'm sorry but I think you need to HTFU too. You've been trumped.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Scandal: the many faces of Malachi


It has often been wondered how Malachi is able to race in so many categories and age groups other than his own. And that would be a fair question. Truth be told, he is a master of disguise (pun intended). He has a different look for each and every class and category that USA Cycling has to offer (please note "Junior Malachi" and "Masters Malachi" pictured above). He should not be trusted. He's been stealing sport class prizes (comprised largely of frame pumps, chain lube, seat bags, shraeder valve mtb tubes, XXL t-shirts, etc.) from unsuspecting competitors, young and old. It's been going on all year, and it's time to make a stand. If you see Malachi in any of his above incarnations, please report his presence to a USAC official immediately. Trust me, it's for your own good.
Malachi wins!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
The end of an era...and the Mainstay wins!

What on God's green earth did the Mainstay win, you ask? Well, it's not Farmer Road. He now officially owns the title for the most frolicsome phone ever. For a while it was a close race. But he's now attacked and off on his own. He wins this thing solo, arms in the air, all zipped up, shooting the arrow, sucking the pacifier, firing off guns, and rocking the baby. Mainstay, it's about time you won something. Congratulations.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Rockin' more in-competition Viagra than Slipstream...

So where do I sign up? I didn't see this event on BikeReg. I think this amateur just found a new sport... I'm gonna be a Euro-pro yet.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
"Paint me bar" party!

Calling all friends...and foes too. Open your heart. Lend a hand. The Def Leprechaun is looking for willing bodies to help give the (soon to be) Grange Public House a little TLC and a fresh coat of paint prior to the grand opening in September. Where: The old Angel location at 426 West Ponce de Leon in Decatur. When: Saturday and Sunday. 2pm until you can paint and/or drink no longer. Food and beverage aplenty. Please show up so I don't have to. Tell the Def Leprechaun you saw it on 2beamateur and receive a free pint (to be consumed by me).
Chaz speaks out regarding Ricco & Cadel

From Chaz via iPhone (with the ironic subject line "major blog fodder"): "Hard to know where to start with Ricco. So many quotes and so many easy targets. Cadel is the least likable tour leader ever. It is painful to hear him speak. I feel sorry for him and want to lick him in the nuts at the same time". Huh?! You want to LICK Cadel's nuts. Chaz credits this little mishap to his Freudian iPhone's predictive text. Do what you will with that.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Cadel Evans: rough and tumble tour boss
Apparently the freaky little yellow-clad gnome doesn't want to be touched...and he clearly doesn't want anyone petting his stuffed animal. Hard to believe a guy with this display of brawn is leading the Tour de France. Any more disrespecting the yellow jersey, and someone's going to get the ever living shit pinched out of them. Special thanks to the Mainstay for passing along this little gem.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Here we go again...
Sunday, July 13, 2008
CBrown: Super Pooper
In the words of the late Bob Kassow, "if you're poopin' good, you're racin' good". CBrown is poopin' good. In fact, he's poopin' great. After a solid 2 weeks of training (total, all year), he lapped the field in the TN masters state crit championships a couple weeks back to nail down the win and the jersey. The following weekend, he smacked it from the bottom of the final climb to take 2nd place at the Rome road race. If his teammate (me) was paying any attention whatsoever, he would've reeled in the 2 man break prior to the climb, and he wouldn't have had to be concerned with making up 52 seconds in under 2 miles. That would've been nice. Instead, CBrown took matters into his own hands, catching one guy and taking exactly 47 seconds out of the other. With a half a teammate that would've been an easy W. But look who you're dealing with here. Me. Sucks for you, Brown. As a consolation, I offer you this:
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Granny Mainstay's motivation revealed
If you come across this bullshit, do us all a favor. Hit cancel (but leave the nozzle in your tank), crank up the car, and hit the gas. Drive straight through the front door of the gas station...then exit the car and grab a 6 pack of beer from the cooler. Hell, make it a 12 pack. Fuck it, grab a case. Pay for it if you wish. Scratch that. Walk out with it. Granny Mainstay is way too generous. Shoplifting is a crime; but then again, so is highway robbery.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Mainstay's grandmother arrested...again.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Sometimes you think you're a pimp...
I neither raced, nor won anything on Sunday. Kinda like Saturday.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The Mainstay's racially misguided frisbee returns to Candler Park

The Mainstay and his famously dangerous frisbee will be making yet another appearance at Candler Park this weekend at the Midsummer Music Fest. Drivin' N' Cryin' starts at 7. Blues Traveler at 9. Come one, come all. And wear a helmet if you know what's good for you.
Please note that the Mainstay's savage tan will likely eclipse that of 420 fest. The boiled lobster will be back! Sounds like he's been throwing himself a 2nd bachelor party at the family vacation this week in Hilton Head. It's only Wednesday and he's on his 3rd case of beer. It should also be noted that he shotgunned 7 beers before 3pm on Tuesday. You heard me. A 30 year old man shotgunning beers...at the family vacation.
The Rome race should go pretty well next weekend.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Malachi, you're late for your podium!
Where are you? Second place to the podium please....
There you are! But why is that 9 year old STILL kicking your ass? Did you beat him up and take his sparkling grape juice from him? And why are you wearing your wife's kit?! Seriously, I thought The Imposter, Esq. was the only guy that pulled that sort of shit (it should be noted that Trashman busted him riding in his Ladyfriend's kit this weekend....and photos would indicate that this wasn't the first offense).
Monday, June 16, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
All up in my kitchen
You're gonna have good days, and you're gonna have bad days...and you're gonna have days when your house gets hit with a fucking Ford F250. Like yesterday, for instance. Seriously, what the fuck? My house was hit by a truck. And I had to wait in gridlock traffic (due to the scene in front of my own house) just to get there to assess the damage. You would've thought it was 9-11 on Church Street. It's no secret that I'm not a fan of traffic to begin with...so just add in the fact that I know that I have a pickup all up in my kitchen; and I'm in gridlock just trying to get there. Normally when I reach this state (traffic, minus the truck vs. house incident), I pull over and pick up a six pack. Unfortunately, there was not a beer store in the 200 yards between my sedentary vehicle and my house. I would've shotgunned all 6 of them, plus one or two of the warm ones from beneath my drivers seat. Fortunately, the end result is not as bad as this pic looks, and there is no structural damage to the house. The guy's front axle came to rest on the concrete foundation that holds up the side steps....which left the bumper inches from my kitchen wall. Which left me inches from a Geico-funded major kitchen renovation.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
My boy- Yet another priceless quote in response to the '08 Giro Huffy toss.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sucking at a level that surprises even myself (aka the day I took a free lap in a road race)
Three weeks ago I finished in the winning break at the Cumming Series 7 race....amateur style. The field turned right instead of going straight, and the pro-heavy "real" break got disqualified after amassing an approximately 45 minute advantage to the field...so the chase group of 8 that I was in suddenly became the winning break. You can either do it the hard way, or the easy way. We chose the easy way, and the amateurs got paid on this day.
Fast forward a couple weeks to the Tour of Atlanta. 7 stages in 5 days. I managed to get dropped on both my road bike and my tt bike, all within one race. Awesome. I started 5 stages and (kind of) finished 2. Never done that before. 0 for 2 in the crits, and even got destroyed by my own teammates in the TTT. Even better.
On the single road race stage and managed to blow out my rear tire after narrowly avoiding the 3rd crash in the first 5k. Fantastic. Two of those crashes happened in the first 500 meters. One of those crashes had Ron W. (the most dangerous one-legged man on two wheels) launched over the bars and literally running down the road in cycling shoes. Perfect dismount. Anyone else with two legs would've died. Not Ron though. He gets it done with one.
So now it's time for a free lap. That's right...I took a free lap in a road race. I've seen it done by some seasoned pros, turned down the opportunity myself, and wasn't going to make that mistake twice. I just needed to know what it feels like. The race promoter loaded my shit up in the van after waiting for the ambulance to take away an injured rider (Friday the 13th style gore) and took me to my car to change my wheel. Not the wheel truck, but my car...in the parking lot. I picked up a king size rice krispie treat, something to drink, and a fresh set of brake pads. If I had some football gear for the remainder of the race, I would've suited up.
Now he takes me straight back up to the race. Fair enough. At this point...now officially a lap down in a road race...I rolled into the back of the race and hung out with the Mainstay while we ate, drank, discussed his intestinal problems, and dodged a few more crashes. When it was time to bring the break back, an unnamed pro team that happened to miss the break organized at the front of the race and motorpaced the lead van to pull back a 6 minute advantage to the break. Thad was the last rider left up the road, and was brought back in the fold just inside 500 meters from the line. Those guys timed their motorpacing perfectly!
What the hell was I going to say? I was IN the van for half the race....they were just behind it. Chalk that one up as another lesson learned...free laps in a road race, and motorpacing the break back into the field for a field sprint. The pros have it figured out, and I'm catching on. Moral of the story for this weekend- bad days are bad days, but a bad season just isn't funny. Especially when you just had one last year. Time to get this donkey turned around before the Def Leprechaun starts asking me when I'm going to start finishing races again. The Mainstay might be ok with that sort of thing, but I'm just not going to have it.
Fast forward a couple weeks to the Tour of Atlanta. 7 stages in 5 days. I managed to get dropped on both my road bike and my tt bike, all within one race. Awesome. I started 5 stages and (kind of) finished 2. Never done that before. 0 for 2 in the crits, and even got destroyed by my own teammates in the TTT. Even better.
On the single road race stage and managed to blow out my rear tire after narrowly avoiding the 3rd crash in the first 5k. Fantastic. Two of those crashes happened in the first 500 meters. One of those crashes had Ron W. (the most dangerous one-legged man on two wheels) launched over the bars and literally running down the road in cycling shoes. Perfect dismount. Anyone else with two legs would've died. Not Ron though. He gets it done with one.
So now it's time for a free lap. That's right...I took a free lap in a road race. I've seen it done by some seasoned pros, turned down the opportunity myself, and wasn't going to make that mistake twice. I just needed to know what it feels like. The race promoter loaded my shit up in the van after waiting for the ambulance to take away an injured rider (Friday the 13th style gore) and took me to my car to change my wheel. Not the wheel truck, but my car...in the parking lot. I picked up a king size rice krispie treat, something to drink, and a fresh set of brake pads. If I had some football gear for the remainder of the race, I would've suited up.
Now he takes me straight back up to the race. Fair enough. At this point...now officially a lap down in a road race...I rolled into the back of the race and hung out with the Mainstay while we ate, drank, discussed his intestinal problems, and dodged a few more crashes. When it was time to bring the break back, an unnamed pro team that happened to miss the break organized at the front of the race and motorpaced the lead van to pull back a 6 minute advantage to the break. Thad was the last rider left up the road, and was brought back in the fold just inside 500 meters from the line. Those guys timed their motorpacing perfectly!
What the hell was I going to say? I was IN the van for half the race....they were just behind it. Chalk that one up as another lesson learned...free laps in a road race, and motorpacing the break back into the field for a field sprint. The pros have it figured out, and I'm catching on. Moral of the story for this weekend- bad days are bad days, but a bad season just isn't funny. Especially when you just had one last year. Time to get this donkey turned around before the Def Leprechaun starts asking me when I'm going to start finishing races again. The Mainstay might be ok with that sort of thing, but I'm just not going to have it.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Just too damn good to be true.
Now, normally 2beamateur doesn't offer free advertising...primarily because space on this site is just too priceless (read: worthless). But every now and again I come across something that just needs to be posted for the good of all mankind (special thanks to the Mainstay for this one). I present to you the biggest Kiss sale in Primal Wear history! (Colossal to be exact). Don't be dumb....Git ya some!


Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The undisputed king of douchebaggery
What's my opinion of David Millar you ask? Simply put, he's far and away the biggest crybaby ever to throw a leg over the top tube of a bike. That said, my aversion to him is an interesting dichotomy...the very circumstances that make me hate him the most also bring me the greatest pleasure in witnessing his making a complete and utter ass of himself. Some of my favorite highlights of his illustrious career (in no particular order) are as follows:
1. Pitching a complete fit and later publicly berating his Cofidis team and its manager at the 2003 TDF prologue when his chain came off. He lost by a fraction of a second. He would've won the stage. He didn't. I loved it.
2. Pitching a fit at the 2002 Vuelta because the final climb up the Angliru was too hard for him. He tore his number off, threw his bike down on the finish line, and refused to cross the line in protest. You'd think he was the only rider to have to finish on that climb. Somebody won that stage. It wasn't David Millar. He never had a chance, and I still loved it.
3. Getting drilled for doping and acting like a fucking hero for coming clean. He was getting interrogated in the can and cracked for fuck's sake! Bitch, you didn't come clean. You got nailed. It's like a speeding ticket. You're not a fucking hero for paying the fine. You didn't exceed the speed limit without getting caught and choose to make a charitable donation to your local municipality out of the goodness of your heart....and for the safety and welfare of all others on the road. You got nailed, toolbox.
4. Pitching a fit when Vinokourov's positive doping test was made public after stage 13 of the 2007 Tour... just prior to his press conference announcing his signing with Slipstream. His public response- "Jesus Christ- There you go, that's my quote. What timing, huh? This is just fucking great". Sorry to inconvenience you, Dave. How could someone be so inconsiderate as to dope and get caught on your big day?! He should've been a hero like you and "come clean" at a more opportune moment. Douchebag.
5. Pitching a fit and throwing his bike over the barrier when he snapped his chain a K from the finish while in the winning break last week at the Giro. Very professional. The sponsors love that sort of shit. The fans too. You probably would've won. You didn't. I loved it. (at least he went nuts to top tube. I loved that too).
6. Last but not least... I read this one on the plane last week. Classic Millar from the May 2008 Cycle Sport America magazine. "Where the hell are you Cycle Sport? If you're not here in five minutes, we're leaving". The phone goes dead. He yelled at and hung up on the journalist at least one other time while the guy was trying to find his way to the interview. I don't know what went on after that; I stopped reading there. In this Amateur's opinion, interviews and press in general is intended to give exposure to riders, the teams, and their sponsors. Nice work, Dave. Smooth, professional, and diplomatic as always.
At one point last year, I shot an email to a friend wondering why the hell Vaughters had signed him onto Slipstream. That email found its way to JV himself and eventually back to me. His response was "It's unfortunate that he feels that way. Maybe if he knew David, he would feel differently". That is incorrect. If I knew him, I would kick him in the nuts.
Since you asked...
1. Pitching a complete fit and later publicly berating his Cofidis team and its manager at the 2003 TDF prologue when his chain came off. He lost by a fraction of a second. He would've won the stage. He didn't. I loved it.
2. Pitching a fit at the 2002 Vuelta because the final climb up the Angliru was too hard for him. He tore his number off, threw his bike down on the finish line, and refused to cross the line in protest. You'd think he was the only rider to have to finish on that climb. Somebody won that stage. It wasn't David Millar. He never had a chance, and I still loved it.
3. Getting drilled for doping and acting like a fucking hero for coming clean. He was getting interrogated in the can and cracked for fuck's sake! Bitch, you didn't come clean. You got nailed. It's like a speeding ticket. You're not a fucking hero for paying the fine. You didn't exceed the speed limit without getting caught and choose to make a charitable donation to your local municipality out of the goodness of your heart....and for the safety and welfare of all others on the road. You got nailed, toolbox.
4. Pitching a fit when Vinokourov's positive doping test was made public after stage 13 of the 2007 Tour... just prior to his press conference announcing his signing with Slipstream. His public response- "Jesus Christ- There you go, that's my quote. What timing, huh? This is just fucking great". Sorry to inconvenience you, Dave. How could someone be so inconsiderate as to dope and get caught on your big day?! He should've been a hero like you and "come clean" at a more opportune moment. Douchebag.
5. Pitching a fit and throwing his bike over the barrier when he snapped his chain a K from the finish while in the winning break last week at the Giro. Very professional. The sponsors love that sort of shit. The fans too. You probably would've won. You didn't. I loved it. (at least he went nuts to top tube. I loved that too).
6. Last but not least... I read this one on the plane last week. Classic Millar from the May 2008 Cycle Sport America magazine. "Where the hell are you Cycle Sport? If you're not here in five minutes, we're leaving". The phone goes dead. He yelled at and hung up on the journalist at least one other time while the guy was trying to find his way to the interview. I don't know what went on after that; I stopped reading there. In this Amateur's opinion, interviews and press in general is intended to give exposure to riders, the teams, and their sponsors. Nice work, Dave. Smooth, professional, and diplomatic as always.
At one point last year, I shot an email to a friend wondering why the hell Vaughters had signed him onto Slipstream. That email found its way to JV himself and eventually back to me. His response was "It's unfortunate that he feels that way. Maybe if he knew David, he would feel differently". That is incorrect. If I knew him, I would kick him in the nuts.
Since you asked...
Monday, May 19, 2008
Circus freaks
This sport never ceases to amaze me. Ok- I kinda understand the theory of women who look like men winning bike races. You're gonna have that. But who the fuck is leading the Giro, Michael Jackson? If you're gonna get your dope on, at least read the label prior to injection. I had no idea estrogen had become the new doping hormone of choice. Obviously, the bearded gorilla freak that is Tammy Thomas (aka Ms. John Belushi) didn't buy into that theory. And just think how fast Visconti would be if he were using the right stuff...
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The day that Malachi got his ass kicked by two 9 year-olds

Not one...but two 9 year-olds. Sometimes people are afraid of a compromising photo showing up on the internet...but rarely is that feared photo a podium shot. Seriously, dude. First question- Why are you attempting to race mountain bikes without anyone knowing? You can't hide from me. Second question- Why are you racing in the sport class? You're a Cat 1. Third and most important question- Why are you racing in the JUNIOR sport class? You're a grown man for fuck's sake. Look at yourself...and those guys (children) standing ABOVE you on the podium. If you had looked left at the wrong time, you would've seen that little kid's junk (or lack thereof) through the gaps in the legs of his shorts. His kneecaps are clearly the largest part of his legs. That kid's bringing baggy back...in fucking spandex. And in the process, he's kicking your ass, Malachi! Your wife goes out and wins her race, and you get the shit kicked out of you by a couple 4th graders. Your pink slip is in the mail.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Captain Skymall pulls one down!

Former teammate and fellow amateur Captain Skymall pulled down a W this weekend in the P1/2/3 afternoon race at Twilight...then in a desperate act to reconfirm his amateurity, he promptly got blown straight out the back of the Big Show on Saturday night. Congrats, my man... but if you had any sense at all, you would've began celebrating that victory immediately following your finish. You wasted nearly 8 hours of drinking time. Just when I think you're putting together all the pieces, you go and pull a stunt like this. It should also be noted that the Madman took one straight out of the books of the Mainstay and finished up second on the day. Congrats to you as well...but apparently you could've used a mid-race break like Skymall. At least he had the sense to let some air out of his tires half way through the race to take a little breather. Win or you're fired, Madman.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The day I kicked the living shit out of Greg Henderson in a sprint (aka the time that Chaz guest rode for Health Net)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Mainstay holds true to form

The Mainstay is back to his old ways. A few of his critical stats for the weekend:
Placing at Farmer Rd. sprint at the T500: 2nd (bridesmaid, as usual)
Approximate number of beers consumed at the Candler Park 420 Fest: 420
Number of African American women he hit in the head with a frisbee: 1
Number of African American women that wanted to fight him: 1
Number of friends that would've had his back: 0
Number of times he was hit in the head with a frisbee: 1
Suggested sunblock SPF for the day: 60
Number of sunblock applications: 0
Degree of sunburn on his face and arms: 3rd
Approximate time of blackout: 8pm
Approximate time he quit drinking: 10pm
Approximate amount of gas in the tank when he left for home: 2.5 oz.
Approximate distance from home when his car ran out of gas: .5 mi.
Approximate calories burned while pushing car home: 420 cal.
Needless to say, things are looking really good going into Athens Twilight.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Boonen goes Amateur!

Quite possibly the most PRO rider in the peloton pulls quite possibly the most AMATEUR move known in the cycling world. Premature celebration. I wouldn't know anything about this since I never actually put myself in a position to win (much less to piss one away), but how tough is it to keep both hands on the bars till you actually get there? I'm thinking risk to reward here...
Imposter's jacket stolen. Reward offered for its safe return.
The Opinionated Cyclist is a criminal. Not only did he steal the thing, but he's wearing it on camera. This is the very jacket worn by the Imposter at the Gainesville road race. True, The Imposter's jacket appeared to be hot pink (or fuschia depending on gender/sexual orientation), but it is reversible with lime green on the flip side (as seen below). One month's free coaching offered by 2BeProCoaching for its safe return (an additional month's coaching thrown in if jacket is returned without cran-apple juice stains). Please folks...a little help here. They haven't made one of these things since 1984. This is clearly not an article of clothing that can be easily replaced.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I'm not buyin' what you're sellin'
...but maybe I should be. Big Poppa's fancy-ass panty hose couldn't possibly make me any slower. But what could, really?
Monday, April 14, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The day I should've dropped myself
The weekend started out normal enough. I again had the worst TT of my life. Again. And that's pretty tough to do. I'm setting the bar pretty high each and every time I throw a leg over my TT bike. Minus the multiple crashes and add in a little driving rain, my performance was very '05 Rasmussenesque. Pretty much just a meltdown from the beginning. And it cost me a 12 pack to the Mainstay on top of it all. I was fully prepared to DNF about 200 meters in, and probably would've if I didn't end up catching another rider (that I will not name) to chat with out on the course. I eventually got too wet and cold to talk anymore and picked up the pace for no other reason than to get back to the car. Somewhere between that decision and the car, I crossed the finish line for a stellar 40 something out of 50 something finish. What the guys that finished behind me were doing out there, I have no idea. I can only surmise that there were multiple mechanicals, maybe a few crashes, and likely a missed turn or two.
Then came the road race. My legs came around a little bit. Just enough to be a menace. Normally, the only thing I can do is climb. Not today. I made it over the KOM the first time with the front group fairly easily. The second time over, the wheels pretty much came off, and I ended up in a chase group of about 10. This is where the real amateurity begins. Half the field had been dropped at this point, and my only teammate left in the race was the Imposter...who had made the selection. So being the good teammate that I am, I put in a huge effort to help drive this group across the gap and back to the front of the race. For some reason, the Imposter was happy to see me when I got there. Maybe he didn't know the only thing I had to offer at that point was a handful of guys that would kick his ass in the field sprint. I'm an awesome teammate.
Sunday was the crit. I can always tailgun with the best of 'em, but this day I took it to a whole new level. It was pretty much a clinic. An art form. Of the 60 laps, I would estimate that I rode 59.8 of those on the back. Not towards the back, but absolute fucking caboose. Proud of my Lanterne status on the day, I intended to finish the thing off proper...in last place. Unfortunately at the finish, Captain Skymall got the best of me and reverse pipped me at the line. He made a quick deceleration and rolled in right behind me. Not cool, Skymall. Don't think I won't get you back for that. Come to the back in Chattanooga this weekend. I dare you.
Then came the road race. My legs came around a little bit. Just enough to be a menace. Normally, the only thing I can do is climb. Not today. I made it over the KOM the first time with the front group fairly easily. The second time over, the wheels pretty much came off, and I ended up in a chase group of about 10. This is where the real amateurity begins. Half the field had been dropped at this point, and my only teammate left in the race was the Imposter...who had made the selection. So being the good teammate that I am, I put in a huge effort to help drive this group across the gap and back to the front of the race. For some reason, the Imposter was happy to see me when I got there. Maybe he didn't know the only thing I had to offer at that point was a handful of guys that would kick his ass in the field sprint. I'm an awesome teammate.
Sunday was the crit. I can always tailgun with the best of 'em, but this day I took it to a whole new level. It was pretty much a clinic. An art form. Of the 60 laps, I would estimate that I rode 59.8 of those on the back. Not towards the back, but absolute fucking caboose. Proud of my Lanterne status on the day, I intended to finish the thing off proper...in last place. Unfortunately at the finish, Captain Skymall got the best of me and reverse pipped me at the line. He made a quick deceleration and rolled in right behind me. Not cool, Skymall. Don't think I won't get you back for that. Come to the back in Chattanooga this weekend. I dare you.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Mainstay's streak ends with a bang

The streak ends at 20 days, folks. It's over. Here's a little descriptive correspondence with the Mainstay on the tail end of his bender:
Mainstay: Fuck. I'm never drinking again. The streak will end today. 20 days. The last two days were epic. I feel like I'm going to die right now.
Amateur: did you go out last night?
Mainstay: Quit throwing it in my face about how good you feel today. I could throw up at any minute now. Went to brick and twain's. Bad fucking idea.
Amateur: wow. you need to get it together by tuesday. we're drinking again.
Mainstay: I may skip the crit just so I don't have to turn you guy's down on the drinking. Seriously, I'm done until at least Saturday.
Amateur: that is incorrect. try again.
Mainstay: The streak ended with a bang. Just threw up.
Amateur: sweet. puking on monday is awesome.
Mainstay: not really.
Amateur: if you're going to be an alcoholic, you really need to toughen up.
Mainstay: It's 9:37 and still no drink yet...Slept from 6-8:30. I basically had a 13hr bender on Saturday followed by about 11hrs yesterday. With 3hrs of sleep in between.
Amateur: Is the streak officially over?
Mainstay: It's official.
See that wagon up there? It's the Mainstay's. The wheels will be completely off that thing by Thursday.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Gun for sale. Only used once.

If I had one of these, I would've used it Sunday morning. If I missed my target, I would've pulled the trigger again. Some brief but critical stats on the past few days: Friday night- three watering holes and way too many beers...followed up with a late night trip through the Krystals drive-thru with Corky and Rusty (on bikes)...concluded by a full-on 1k race back to my house. I won. First W of the season. Rusty almost got arrested for running a mid-race red light through a major intersection. It was green when I went through it....that's how much I dominated.
Saturday morning- brief intermission for the T500, which amounted to roughly four hours on the bike. (Stay tuned for future post titled "The day Corky rode in with the Neon Ninja Catfish".) Saturday afternoon and night amounted to 13 hours of drinking. How's that for some time in the saddle? I received a text Sunday morning asking if there were any good stories from Saturday night. I wasn't sure, and I wasn't lying.
Thank God for Zingo. And the Tuesday Nite Yard Sale's guest bedroom. Sunday- one bloody mary and two rides simply to try to live through the day. It was that or the gun, and I figured the drink would taste better. Special thanks to Corky, Rusty, Mainstay, Trashman, and the Tuesday Nite Yard Sale for taking another couple steps deeper into Amateurity with me.
As for the Mainstay, will the streak be ending? Let's hope not, but it's not looking good. Straight from the horse's mouth- "Fuck. I'm never drinking again. The streak will end today. 20 days. The last two days were epic. I feel like I'm going to die right now". I've heard that before, and I don't believe a word of it. Mainstay, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Don't quit. Quitters never win.
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