Gun for sale. Only used once.

If I had one of these, I would've used it Sunday morning. If I missed my target, I would've pulled the trigger again. Some brief but critical stats on the past few days: Friday night- three watering holes and way too many beers...followed up with a late night trip through the Krystals drive-thru with Corky and Rusty (on bikes)...concluded by a full-on 1k race back to my house. I won. First W of the season. Rusty almost got arrested for running a mid-race red light through a major intersection. It was green when I went through it....that's how much I dominated.

Saturday morning- brief intermission for the T500, which amounted to roughly four hours on the bike. (Stay tuned for future post titled "The day Corky rode in with the Neon Ninja Catfish".) Saturday afternoon and night amounted to 13 hours of drinking. How's that for some time in the saddle? I received a text Sunday morning asking if there were any good stories from Saturday night. I wasn't sure, and I wasn't lying.

Thank God for Zingo. And the Tuesday Nite Yard Sale's guest bedroom. Sunday- one bloody mary and two rides simply to try to live through the day. It was that or the gun, and I figured the drink would taste better. Special thanks to Corky, Rusty, Mainstay, Trashman, and the Tuesday Nite Yard Sale for taking another couple steps deeper into Amateurity with me.

As for the Mainstay, will the streak be ending? Let's hope not, but it's not looking good. Straight from the horse's mouth- "Fuck. I'm never drinking again. The streak will end today. 20 days. The last two days were epic. I feel like I'm going to die right now". I've heard that before, and I don't believe a word of it. Mainstay, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Don't quit. Quitters never win.

D in a tree hits it big, remix released

Apparently my Amateur sketch has gone big time.

The day Big Poppa got worked over by a kid with junior gears

It was Tuesday. Last Tuesday. And this time the kid was on a tt bike. A yellow one. He just rode away from Big Poppa on the last lap of the crit....on junior gears and a yellow tt bike. Dropped him like a sack of potatoes. Then he apologized for the embarrassment. Well today is a new day, and the teenager is going down. I don't care if he was nice enough to stop and check on Calvin after he solo yard saled turn one (amateur move, and lifelong amateur in the making). The niceties are over. The Mainstay just got some new Primal Wear, and I'm expecting an inspired ride tonight. Fresh off his tremendous victory on Farmer Road, he's gunning for the top spot. Nothing less will do. It's on.

D spotted in Mobile, Alabama?

Please note the Amateur sketch. I drew it. Special thanks to Corky for the contribution.

Mainstay storms Farmer Road!!!

The Mainstay officially became a bride on Farmer Road Saturday morning. He actually won a sprint. Nevermind the fact that he was the only one who knew where the "real" line was...he won it. And Big Poppa, Trashman, and myself were fortunate enough to be by his side on his special day. I've never been so proud.

It all started at a Pre-T500 team dinner at 6 Feet Under. Even The Imposter and the Ladyfriend stopped in for a quick beer. The Lanterne showed his face too (He also shared some fried okra with me- He's a Pro, so I put one piece in my pocket and took it home as a keepsake). Midway through dinner, the Mainstay called his shot after umpteen cocktails on Day 12 of his streak of his Spring Break tour of inebriation (Please note that the streak is still alive...at 14 days and going strong). We DNF'd the Rehabilitate the Mainstay fundraiser Saturday afternoon, so I really don't see any end in sight. After the early DNF, a nearly 10 hour bender ensued. This has subsequently left me with a severely sprained liver.

Possibly even more amazing than the Mainstay taking the sprint on Saturday is what happened afterward. An incredibly low-speed 6 man crash followed by two grown men in white spandex screaming at one another for about 15 minutes, then throwing punches in the middle of the road. Awesome. Neither was a day under 40 years old...and both were teammates. Who needs enemies when you've got friends like that? I'm certainly not going to name any names, but one of the guys had really tan and CHISELed legs. And no need to embarrass the whole team, so I'll leave that out too...but I seriously think they might be a feeder team for the Quick-Step masters program.

Always thinking ahead, the Trashman stood in the middle of the melee yelling for anyone that might have video on their phone. Unfortunately, YouTube wouldn't be so lucky...so for now you'll just have to settle for the below reenactment. As the dust settled, I think what bothered me most was the fact that Big Jon hit the deck for the 2nd time in 6 days and neither screamed at, nor swung at anyone. That's just not natural.

The helmet's not for cycling anymore.

I'm pretty sure somebody's checked him in. Please don't watch the whole thing. Hell, I couldn't. Give yourself a good 30 seconds or so, then kill it. Just make sure you see enough to notice he's eating a fucking carrot with a helmet on. I'm extremely uncomfortable again. Blatantly stolen from the Imposter. Many thanks.

Rehabilitate The Mainstay

The situation has gotten serious. I received this from him this afternoon: "We're going to the hotel bar after this seminar I've been in since 8am. Day number 9. Christ. You may want to post to see if anybody knows a good rehab clinic. Maybe a fundraiser to help offset the costs".

What better place to have a fundraiser than this weekend's Southeastern Flip Cup Championship? The Mainstay himself had suckered me and a handful of other idiots into this event. I can tell you this...I've never played the game in my life, but I've got a better shot at winning this thing than any bike race that might be going on this weekend.

Here's the good news. I've worked some magic. All proceeds from the event go towards the Rehabilitate The Mainstay Fund. RTM T-shirts will be available at the event. The schedule is as follows: 9:00 am Tucker 500 (watch The Mainstay get 2nd in a sprint first hand), clean up, then head to Gibney's Pub for the tournament/fundraiser for a 3:00 pm kickoff. After that, I would strongly advise that if you see The Mainstay of any of his band of hooligans out and about on Saturday night, just keep your distance. It's for your own good.

God willing, this will be The Mainstay's last hoorah before his rehabilitation. Somebody please bring a large wagon with a seatbelt and a straightjacket.

Pros have it easy

He's not touched...this guy is crazier than a shithouse rat. Pros are overpaid. Absolutely! They're the most overpaid guys I know doing the limbo 6 feet below the poverty line. I think he also believes that with that lucrative pro contract, one also automatically receives his own personal team car (with driver and mechanic) who follows you around at all times waiting for you to flat.

He's all dressed up today....must've come straight from a wedding or something. Please note the (clip on) tie...and when he takes that bad boy off just to get a little more comfortable in front of the camera. Don't want to come off too stuffy and intimidate the fans. This guy is my new inspiration. Thanks to Big Poppa for passing this one along.

PRO...touched by an angel

This is possibly the craziest fucker on the planet. If you can watch this without extreme discomfort, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you're at least marginally touched as well. I just don't know what else to say. Courtesy of Morning Wood's Ladyfriend. Enjoy.

The day I got worked over by a kid with junior gears.

It was Tuesday. And apparently the Mainstay's bridesmaid's disease is contagious. Either that, or I just suck, which is a far more likely scenario. It all started when I called my shot the week before the first Tuesday night crit of '08. I told the Mainstay I was taking a flyer with 3 to go, and I wasn't coming back. I guess I got confused, and I rolled clear of the raging sea of Primal Wear 3 laps in. Over about an hour's time, 4 guys got whittled down to 2. One guy got dropped, and another pulled out of the break because he had to go home. Seriously. He just had to go home. Then it was down to me and the 17 year old kid. We agreed to work together until the last lap. So now I'm cutting deals with a teenager at the Tuesday night crit. Last lap rolls around, we sprint, and I think he put 175 meters into me in the last 200. And it's not like I didn't try. Then the little bastard told me he was sprinting at about 75% in his 13. I almost crashed him. I'll never own this jersey....and it's even better than Primal Wear. Had you asked me on Monday, I would've told you this thing wasn't coming off my back all year. I've already proven that I don't own Saturday or Sunday, and I'm not so hot on Wednesday. Thursday's out, and Friday's not looking too good either. Maybe I should shoot for Monday. Rent to own is the motto.

Mainstay takes a sprint!

Not at a race, the Tucker 500, or anything else; but his very own Secret Handjob ride. In fact, he got smoked again at Airport the following morning. This weekend's Secret Handjob was one of many firsts. First of the firsts was that The Mainstay actually won a sprint. Yep, he won. Fortunately for him, this girl did not contest it. We all know how that would've gone. She would've lit him up like a Christmas tree. Truth be told, had the sprint been five feet longer, Shrinking Man would've blown by him like a runaway freight train. For those not in attendance, the end result looked a little something like this.

Another of the firsts was Shrinking Man getting an impressive and unprecedented 3 flats in no more than 50 meters distance. His destruction of equipment is pretty much an every day occurrence, but the sheer frequency of this mishap was astonishing. Perhaps even more amazing was the scene of the 2 and 3rd flats. A cavalry of about 20 African-American cowboys came galloping straight down the middle of the road. In traffic. Good thing The Mainstay wasn't in his Brokeback Halloween costume. I'm not sure how that would've gone, but probably not very well. I wouldn't have been anywhere near him to find out.

The last of the firsts was the attendance of a very controversial invitee. I'm really not sure what to make of it. He's dangerously close to Pro. He has been a Pro, he has won Pro races, and he knows Pros. He, like The Mainstay, knows Pros who know Pros. He looks and smells like a Pro. Sometimes he even acts like a Pro. His helmetless hair is unquestionably Pro. Fortunately for him, he drinks like a Pro too. And by Pro, I mean like an amateur. The Amateur...which is pretty Pro. I've spent more time with him at the pub than on the bike, so by default his attendance is justified. And there's this....take a look for yourself and tell me- How are you not going to invite the guy to the Secret Handjob ride?

They gave daddy the rainman suite...again.

They did it again...but this time it was at Mandalay. For some stupid reason, they gave me the hookup at THE Hotel. And a multi-day hangover to go with it. Call it a souvenir. A little something to take home with me. And by little I mean big. Somebody fucking shoot me. If I had any semblance of a training plan, I'd call this one a rest week. Some people sleep during their rest weeks. True amateurs find other things to do with their time. Especially in Vegas. Great news- Belgian beers have officially found their way into town. Perfect. That's just what I needed. Because the other stuff just wasn't getting it done. And I don't get enough Belgian poison in my system at Brickstore. My performance Wednesday night was nothing short of Pro. Not D3, Continental, whatever. Straight up ProTour. Don't worry though- it's now Friday, and I've been promptly downgraded to my previous state of amateurity. My recovery has been like a Cat 5 in a grand tour. Amateur for life.

3-8-08 Secret Handjob ride announced!

From the Mainstay:

We're getting the band back together...

"How about riding at 1pm from Gathering Grounds in Kirkwood (next Reynoldstown Tyler). 3-4 hours south of town. The weather should be better by then".

Apparently The Mainstay has gotten wise to the fact that he will never take a sprint at the Tucker 500....even when Tim throws down an all-pro leadout for him. He's decided to revive his very own Secret Handjob ride, which will be chock full of the worst sprinters in the US domestic peloton. He still won't take one.

As always, anyone wearing Primal Wear, crooked helmets, hairy legs, tubes, socks, etc. strongly encouraged to attend. Please also note that Tim will be signing complimentary autographs for any Hispanic riders in attendance.

Git it boy! WooWoooooo!!!

That was the quote of the weekend, as spoken by a female gas station cashier (turned rabid cycling fan) after watching Saturday evening's criterium in Albany, GA. She sure liked her some Trashman. Who doesn't, really?

It was a good weekend. Big Poppa pulled down a podium in the prologue, Madman finished 6th in the crit, and I managed to helplessly ride around in circles in 3 separate events without ever actually getting dropped. I did, however, almost manage to drop myself in the TT. I nearly had to walk the last 300 meters. It probably would've been faster.

In his typical fashion, The Imposter rode the front all day, then counted his watts and snuggled with Chaz by night. Ladyfriend, I'm afraid we have a situation here. It's not a good one. We're going to need you to step in. Rumors are starting.

Overall, everyone rode well and the weekend was a success...except for our new rider Wes. I've had to fire him just as quickly as I hired him, and I'm bringing The Mainstay back on board. My "Win or you're fired" management policy is now in full effect. Not only did he underperform, but he also insulted the cycling fans of Albany. The facial hair, the finger gestures...it was just bad news.