Captain Skymall pulls one down!

Former teammate and fellow amateur Captain Skymall pulled down a W this weekend in the P1/2/3 afternoon race at Twilight...then in a desperate act to reconfirm his amateurity, he promptly got blown straight out the back of the Big Show on Saturday night. Congrats, my man... but if you had any sense at all, you would've began celebrating that victory immediately following your finish. You wasted nearly 8 hours of drinking time. Just when I think you're putting together all the pieces, you go and pull a stunt like this. It should also be noted that the Madman took one straight out of the books of the Mainstay and finished up second on the day. Congrats to you as well...but apparently you could've used a mid-race break like Skymall. At least he had the sense to let some air out of his tires half way through the race to take a little breather. Win or you're fired, Madman.

Losing isn't the end of the world. It's just the beginning of being a loser.

The day I kicked the living shit out of Greg Henderson in a sprint (aka the time that Chaz guest rode for Health Net)

The first time was the second stage of the Tour of Jamaica '06. Henderson had won Philly and Reading the previous week, and apparently he thought he was riding well. And he was...but obviously I was riding better. Much better. So much better that he had no idea that I was about to absolutely kick the shit out of him at the Tour of Jamaica. Not even when he was strutting around in the ATL airport in his knee high compression socks with shorts and All-stars. At that time he probably still thought he was going to kick MY ass at the Tour of Jamaica. He would've been wrong if that's what he was thinking. Now nevermind the fact that he bridged 15 minutes solo across to a break in one of his two functional gears. Nevermind that fact that I punched him in the nuts just before the left hand turn with 150 meters to go. Nevermind the fact that the non-Jamaican riders in the break were told we had 35 more miles to race about 500 meters from that last left hand turn. And nevermind the fact that he might've had a mouth full of food, a water bottle in one hand, and his other hand digging around somewhere in his pockets. None of this matters...it's all sour grapes now. I came out of that turn 5th wheel, finished there, and he never came around me. Where I come from, that's referred to as a good old fashioned amateur ass-kicking. The next stage, while wearing the overall leaders jersey, he climbed off his bike on the one hard climb of the day, got in the car, and DNF'd. He said his knee hurt. You know what I say to that, Greg Henderson? Harden the fuck up. And this guy gets a ProTour contract? Now he's leading the Tour de Georgia? And winning field sprints? This can only mean two things. 1. I should be racing on a ProTour team. 2. I am clearly stronger than anyone that is racing in the TDG. This is all very clear to me now. Nice jersey, Hendy. You know I own that fucking thing.

Mainstay holds true to form

The Mainstay is back to his old ways. A few of his critical stats for the weekend:

Placing at Farmer Rd. sprint at the T500: 2nd (bridesmaid, as usual)

Approximate number of beers consumed at the Candler Park 420 Fest: 420

Number of African American women he hit in the head with a frisbee: 1

Number of African American women that wanted to fight him: 1

Number of friends that would've had his back: 0

Number of times he was hit in the head with a frisbee: 1

Suggested sunblock SPF for the day: 60

Number of sunblock applications: 0

Degree of sunburn on his face and arms: 3rd

Approximate time of blackout: 8pm

Approximate time he quit drinking: 10pm

Approximate amount of gas in the tank when he left for home: 2.5 oz.

Approximate distance from home when his car ran out of gas: .5 mi.

Approximate calories burned while pushing car home: 420 cal.

Needless to say, things are looking really good going into Athens Twilight.

Mainstay's drinking at lunch again...

Boonen goes Amateur!

Quite possibly the most PRO rider in the peloton pulls quite possibly the most AMATEUR move known in the cycling world. Premature celebration. I wouldn't know anything about this since I never actually put myself in a position to win (much less to piss one away), but how tough is it to keep both hands on the bars till you actually get there? I'm thinking risk to reward here...

Imposter's jacket stolen. Reward offered for its safe return.

The Opinionated Cyclist is a criminal. Not only did he steal the thing, but he's wearing it on camera. This is the very jacket worn by the Imposter at the Gainesville road race. True, The Imposter's jacket appeared to be hot pink (or fuschia depending on gender/sexual orientation), but it is reversible with lime green on the flip side (as seen below). One month's free coaching offered by 2BeProCoaching for its safe return (an additional month's coaching thrown in if jacket is returned without cran-apple juice stains). Please folks...a little help here. They haven't made one of these things since 1984. This is clearly not an article of clothing that can be easily replaced.

I'm not buyin' what you're sellin'

...but maybe I should be. Big Poppa's fancy-ass panty hose couldn't possibly make me any slower. But what could, really?

Brung it!

Brang it!

The day I should've dropped myself

The weekend started out normal enough. I again had the worst TT of my life. Again. And that's pretty tough to do. I'm setting the bar pretty high each and every time I throw a leg over my TT bike. Minus the multiple crashes and add in a little driving rain, my performance was very '05 Rasmussenesque. Pretty much just a meltdown from the beginning. And it cost me a 12 pack to the Mainstay on top of it all. I was fully prepared to DNF about 200 meters in, and probably would've if I didn't end up catching another rider (that I will not name) to chat with out on the course. I eventually got too wet and cold to talk anymore and picked up the pace for no other reason than to get back to the car. Somewhere between that decision and the car, I crossed the finish line for a stellar 40 something out of 50 something finish. What the guys that finished behind me were doing out there, I have no idea. I can only surmise that there were multiple mechanicals, maybe a few crashes, and likely a missed turn or two.

Then came the road race. My legs came around a little bit. Just enough to be a menace. Normally, the only thing I can do is climb. Not today. I made it over the KOM the first time with the front group fairly easily. The second time over, the wheels pretty much came off, and I ended up in a chase group of about 10. This is where the real amateurity begins. Half the field had been dropped at this point, and my only teammate left in the race was the Imposter...who had made the selection. So being the good teammate that I am, I put in a huge effort to help drive this group across the gap and back to the front of the race. For some reason, the Imposter was happy to see me when I got there. Maybe he didn't know the only thing I had to offer at that point was a handful of guys that would kick his ass in the field sprint. I'm an awesome teammate.

Sunday was the crit. I can always tailgun with the best of 'em, but this day I took it to a whole new level. It was pretty much a clinic. An art form. Of the 60 laps, I would estimate that I rode 59.8 of those on the back. Not towards the back, but absolute fucking caboose. Proud of my Lanterne status on the day, I intended to finish the thing off proper...in last place. Unfortunately at the finish, Captain Skymall got the best of me and reverse pipped me at the line. He made a quick deceleration and rolled in right behind me. Not cool, Skymall. Don't think I won't get you back for that. Come to the back in Chattanooga this weekend. I dare you.

The only thing missing is the carrot and a helmet.

Mainstay's streak ends with a bang

The streak ends at 20 days, folks. It's over. Here's a little descriptive correspondence with the Mainstay on the tail end of his bender:

Mainstay: Fuck. I'm never drinking again. The streak will end today. 20 days. The last two days were epic. I feel like I'm going to die right now.

Amateur: did you go out last night?

Mainstay: Quit throwing it in my face about how good you feel today. I could throw up at any minute now. Went to brick and twain's. Bad fucking idea.

Amateur: wow. you need to get it together by tuesday. we're drinking again.

Mainstay: I may skip the crit just so I don't have to turn you guy's down on the drinking. Seriously, I'm done until at least Saturday.

Amateur: that is incorrect. try again.

Mainstay: The streak ended with a bang. Just threw up.

Amateur: sweet. puking on monday is awesome.

Mainstay: not really.

Amateur: if you're going to be an alcoholic, you really need to toughen up.

Mainstay: It's 9:37 and still no drink yet...Slept from 6-8:30. I basically had a 13hr bender on Saturday followed by about 11hrs yesterday. With 3hrs of sleep in between.

Amateur: Is the streak officially over?

Mainstay: It's official.

See that wagon up there? It's the Mainstay's. The wheels will be completely off that thing by Thursday.