Panama. That's all. Just Panama.

Adam Bender: reason #346 why I need to HTFU

Ron, I'm sorry but I think you need to HTFU too. You've been trumped.

Scandal: the many faces of Malachi

It has often been wondered how Malachi is able to race in so many categories and age groups other than his own. And that would be a fair question. Truth be told, he is a master of disguise (pun intended). He has a different look for each and every class and category that USA Cycling has to offer (please note "Junior Malachi" and "Masters Malachi" pictured above). He should not be trusted. He's been stealing sport class prizes (comprised largely of frame pumps, chain lube, seat bags, shraeder valve mtb tubes, XXL t-shirts, etc.) from unsuspecting competitors, young and old. It's been going on all year, and it's time to make a stand. If you see Malachi in any of his above incarnations, please report his presence to a USAC official immediately. Trust me, it's for your own good.

Malachi wins!

The writing was on the wall. Malachi wasn't going to get that elusive win in the junior sport ranks. It just wasn't meant to be. So what is any self-respecting 26 year-old man to do? That's right, you guessed it...race masters!

Cadel goes Zidane on reporter!

Wonder if anyone tried to stand on the dog...

The end of an era...and the Mainstay wins!

The famed (pinkish) red KRZR that has tortured me for many months is now officially a thing of the past. It has been retired and replaced with a real grown-up phone. I could probably ebay the thing to some unsuspecting pre-teen for upwards of $100. But I'd get far more satisfaction by smashing the thing into a million little pieces in the middle of my office parking lot (or the Verizon lobby for that matter).

What on God's green earth did the Mainstay win, you ask? Well, it's not Farmer Road. He now officially owns the title for the most frolicsome phone ever. For a while it was a close race. But he's now attacked and off on his own. He wins this thing solo, arms in the air, all zipped up, shooting the arrow, sucking the pacifier, firing off guns, and rocking the baby. Mainstay, it's about time you won something. Congratulations.

Cadel ups his game

The feisty little bitch slaps were merely a shot across the bow. Apparently the next guy to disrespect Cadel or one of his animals (stuffed, living, ficticious or otherwise) is going to lose his lid. "Don't stand on my dog, or I cut your head off"?! Is that really what he said? And what the fuck is he talking about? Where's the dog? And how do you stand on a dog? Sounds dangerous. You could twist an ankle or something. Frank Schleck straight up stole his stuffed animal (and the yellow jersey that went along with it), so he doesn't need to protect that anymore. I guess the freaky little gnome is just trying to protect anything within his reach. Thanks Cycleto c/o LV for this contribution. Oh, and speaking of dogs, please adopt one.

Friendly reminder to the Mainstay

Tomorrow's the 500. Do some fucking thing. Win or you're fired.

Rockin' more in-competition Viagra than Slipstream...

ATHENS (Reuters) - Nine British women were facing charges after being arrested at the weekend for taking part in an oral sex competition in the Greek holiday island of Zakynthos, police said on Monday. Six British and six Greek men, including two bar owners, were also charged in the incident, which took place at Laganas beach in the south of the Ionian island, which lies off the west coast of mainland Greece, police said. The women, who came to the popular resort on holiday, had been paid to take part in the competition, which was video recorded and was to be posted on the Internet, police said. The men were charged with encouraging obscene behavior. In recent years, Laganas has established itself as one of Greece's most popular destinations for twenty-something holidaymakers and is known for its wild party scene. Around 15 million people -- a fifth of them British -- visit the eastern Mediterranean country each year, drawn by its soaring summer temperatures, azure waters and sandy beaches.

So where do I sign up? I didn't see this event on BikeReg. I think this amateur just found a new sport... I'm gonna be a Euro-pro yet.

"Paint me bar" party!

Calling all friends...and foes too. Open your heart. Lend a hand. The Def Leprechaun is looking for willing bodies to help give the (soon to be) Grange Public House a little TLC and a fresh coat of paint prior to the grand opening in September. Where: The old Angel location at 426 West Ponce de Leon in Decatur. When: Saturday and Sunday. 2pm until you can paint and/or drink no longer. Food and beverage aplenty. Please show up so I don't have to. Tell the Def Leprechaun you saw it on 2beamateur and receive a free pint (to be consumed by me).

Chaz speaks out regarding Ricco & Cadel

From Chaz via iPhone (with the ironic subject line "major blog fodder"): "Hard to know where to start with Ricco. So many quotes and so many easy targets. Cadel is the least likable tour leader ever. It is painful to hear him speak. I feel sorry for him and want to lick him in the nuts at the same time". Huh?! You want to LICK Cadel's nuts. Chaz credits this little mishap to his Freudian iPhone's predictive text. Do what you will with that.

10 ways to fire yourself in 2 minutes and 9 seconds

Big thanks to the Wattage Cottage for this one.

Cadel Evans: rough and tumble tour boss

Apparently the freaky little yellow-clad gnome doesn't want to be touched...and he clearly doesn't want anyone petting his stuffed animal. Hard to believe a guy with this display of brawn is leading the Tour de France. Any more disrespecting the yellow jersey, and someone's going to get the ever living shit pinched out of them. Special thanks to the Mainstay for passing along this little gem.

Here we go again...

Malachi on the box with small children. Michael Jackson has spent less time holding hands with little boys. Please win one of these things and start racing with the grown-ups. PLEASE. This is getting uncomfortable.

CBrown: Super Pooper

In the words of the late Bob Kassow, "if you're poopin' good, you're racin' good". CBrown is poopin' good. In fact, he's poopin' great. After a solid 2 weeks of training (total, all year), he lapped the field in the TN masters state crit championships a couple weeks back to nail down the win and the jersey. The following weekend, he smacked it from the bottom of the final climb to take 2nd place at the Rome road race. If his teammate (me) was paying any attention whatsoever, he would've reeled in the 2 man break prior to the climb, and he wouldn't have had to be concerned with making up 52 seconds in under 2 miles. That would've been nice. Instead, CBrown took matters into his own hands, catching one guy and taking exactly 47 seconds out of the other. With a half a teammate that would've been an easy W. But look who you're dealing with here. Me. Sucks for you, Brown. As a consolation, I offer you this:

Granny Mainstay's motivation revealed

If you come across this bullshit, do us all a favor. Hit cancel (but leave the nozzle in your tank), crank up the car, and hit the gas. Drive straight through the front door of the gas station...then exit the car and grab a 6 pack of beer from the cooler. Hell, make it a 12 pack. Fuck it, grab a case. Pay for it if you wish. Scratch that. Walk out with it. Granny Mainstay is way too generous. Shoplifting is a crime; but then again, so is highway robbery.

Mainstay's grandmother arrested...again.

NORWALK, Calif. — A convenience store became an unwilling drive-in when a 74-year-old woman plowed her car through the front window and then tried to buy a six-pack of Budweiser, police and the owner said. Lynne Rice of Norwalk drove her 1988 Cadillac into Joe's Food Mart and Video on Sunday evening, Los Angeles County sheriff's Lt. Jenny Ha said. The car plowed about halfway through the store but nobody was injured. Rice got out of the car, walked over to the cooler and pulled out a six-pack of Budweiser beer, said the store owner, who gave only his last name, Awada, to the Long Beach Press-Telegram. I don't know how she managed to walk," Awada said, adding a cashier declined the sale and instead called police. Rice was taken to a hospital for examination because she had a pre-existing medical condition, Ha said. She was also arrested for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence and released on $15,000 bail, authorities said. Rice could not be reached for comment Tuesday. There was no telephone listing with her name in Norwalk. Awada said the crash destroyed two 6-foot-wide glass panels. Damage was put at about $8,000.