For sale: Divine Intervention. 20 bucks.

The below email was just forwarded to me by my dad. Read all the way to the bottom. Clearly this is Divine Intervention. I couldn't make this one up:

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE. You are special- Don't EVER forget it. If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems. And remember:

Amateurs built the ark ..
Professionals built the Titanic. (that's right bitches) ed.

If God brings you to
it - He will bring you through it.

Amateurs rejoice. It's ON.

Morning wood no mas

Somebody's no longer sporting wood. Guess who? With all the help (cursing) I gave him in the race, he couldn't close the deal. Again. And guess who did? Yep, the ladyfriend. She won the ladies race. Imposter, not only is she hanging with the winners, but she's now one herself. As if it didn't look bad enough before. This is looking downright grim. If you're not careful, you're going to get a new nickname- The 23 year-old Virgin. Oh shit, I think it just happened. Sorry 'bout that.

Truth be told, I think The 23 year-old Virgin is the reason for my last post. I'm pretty sure I saw him at the pointy end of an insanely long single file line of riders...which I was viewing from the caboose. The boy's going fast right now, and it's only a matter of time before he brings home the bacon and the lady. My money's on a result this weekend in Albany. For real. And the course doesn't even suit him.

The Mainstay on the other hand...still getting worked at the Tucker 500. The Mainstay text update went as follows: "First loser...again. Even with a lead out from a PRO!". The next morning when I inquired about an afternoon ride, I was treated to "If you're cool, you're having a bloody mary like me." That pretty much set the tone for the ride ahead. We stopped at one coffee shop and two different bars and consumed a few Belgian beers and multiple PBR tallboys apiece. It was a 6 hour ride, with 1 hour of pedal time. If that's not a guaranteed training plan for eternal Amateurity, I don't know what is.

The day I almost got dropped in the 1st 500 meters of a road race

It was a Saturday in Greenville. Last Saturday. I went on to get dropped for real not that many meters later. I didn't get lapped though. I got the hell out of there. I can laugh about getting lapped once in my life. But twice...I'm just not going to let that happen. Not on my watch. It's gonna be a great year. I can feel it.

It's about to get ugly

This weekend is the official kick-off of the race season with the Donaldson Center road race in Greenville, SC. For some reason this race is always a disaster for me. I go there thinking I'm fit, and I'm trying to envision how I'm going to put myself in a spot to win. Then the wheels come off; sometimes literally. Bad things always seem to happen here. I've even been lapped at this race. It's a road race. Lapped. In this case, there was a huge crash; I got tagged in the head by a flying bike, and instead of taking a free lap (who the fuck takes a free lap in a road race?) like the other 50 guys involved did, I rode on. So I took a lap...but not a free lap. I paid for it. And for the first and hopefully last time in my life, I got lapped in a road race. Only a true Amateur can pull that off.
The good news is that normally when I have a horrible race here, I have a decent few races ahead. When I was even more Amateur than I am now, I got dropped somewhere around the first lap of this race, then came back to win Raccoon Mountain a couple weeks later. It's kinda like the par 3 tournament at the Masters. You don't want to win it. So I've got one goal this weekend. Don't win. I've been giving it some thought, and I think I can pull this off. Hell, I've been doing it for years.

While focusing on not winning, I will be trying my best to help Chaz Michael Michaelson win the Masters race, then helping The Imposter bring down a W in the Pro1/2. The Imposter's a very hard man right now. He said so himself. And he really needs to get laid. Victory is the only option here. Chaz on the other hand needs some sleep tonight. Cinderella's gotta get ready for the ball.

Meanwhile, Mainstay will be chasing that elusive win at the Tucker 500. Don't count on any good news from that camp. Remote text commentary with the Mainstay will be posted after the official results of the Tucker 500 are released. Until then, please take the time to place a wager on your favorite rider in the latest poll.

Somebody's got a hard on.

It's this guy. And as well he should. He's lost his ladyfriend to his roomate, Big Jon, Crowe, and whoever else might be winning something, somewhere. Imposter, win something. For that, you just might get lucky. It's for your own good. And it will look good on your resume.

Cipo's brush with greatness

So Corky's hanging out signing autographs in Vegas like usual, and this guy pulls up a chair, steals the pen and starts signing away. Like he's somebody. I wonder if he even knew the amateur he was sitting next to. He should've asked...and then he should've asked him for an autograph. I've seen Corky do things that I never thought humanly possible. He's a machine. In college he took doping to a whole new level, and he didn't even ride a bike. At the age of 35, he still gets chauffeured around Athens by pizza delivery guys. Corky, I hope you gave him your autograph.

The antithesis of me

Polar effing opposite. Cipo's as P-R-O they come. Nevermind the fact that he spent last weekend south of the border with the Mainstay. Or the fact that the guy took more HGH in retirement than most ProTour riders do during their entire careers. Straight from retirement to the podium. Unreal. Drugs? Absolutely. A daily dose of his hair products alone would make the average rider test positive. But say what you want; there is not enough dope in all the peloton to boost most riders from retirement to the podium in just two days of racing. Cipo's got skills. And some kick ass glasses.

TOC Satge two results:

1. Tom Boonen (Bel) Quick Step

2. Heinrich Haussler (Ger) Gerolsteiner

3. Mario Cipollini (Ita) Rock Racing

4. Mark Cavendish (GBr) High Road

5. Juan Jose Haedo (Arg) Team CSC