2BeAmateur

Absolutely, positively would've been my prom date.

2009-05-31T08:34:00.000-07:00

The Mainstay: bringin' Mapei back

2009-05-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

Seriously, your friend should be wearing a helmet. Pretty sweet dog though. Cool shades too. Must be a shot from the feed zone...what's in the musette?

Nick, please return your team clothing...NOW. Thank you.

2009-03-29T15:57:00.000-07:00

River Falls Road Race: by the numbers

2009-03-16T11:15:00.000-07:00

Greenville: the land of the free lap in a road race...I should've taken one, but that would've meant that I would have to get back in the race. No thanks. I'll take a DNF, and my buddy Mainstay will as well. Two DNF's please, and thank you. The race report is pretty simple. On the 4th lap, The Mainstay came off on the climb. I made the front group over the climb, got cocky, and got ridden straight the fuck off the wheel in front of me on a flat section on the backside. Not gapped off. I didn't have to hit the brakes because a couple idiots touched wheels. No one crashed. No nasty crosswinds. I wasn't eating, and there were no ill-timed attacks. I couldn't hold a wheel on a flat section of road. Done. In my opinion, they were just going way too fast. The front of that race appeared to be in a BIG hurry. My preparation was spot on, so I'm not really sure where it all went wrong. I got my traditional pre race cinnamon twists from Einstein's and everything. Two of them. That obviously didn't work, so now I'm starting to think I should've trained this winter.

Number of miles driven: 350

Number of miles in the race: 66

Number of miles raced: 25

Hours in the car: 6

Hours on the bike: 1

Average watts: pretty low (I got droppped)

Average watts of the Mainstay: pretty low (he got dropped)

Average watts of the winner: pretty high (he won)

Number of beers in the cooler: 12

Number of beers consumed before hitting the GA state line: 12

Number of stops to replenish supply: 1

Number of beers purchased: 2

Number of ounces in each beer: 24 (2- 24 oz beers for $2.22- HTFU!)

So I decided it was time to start training seriously again. So I rode 3.5 hrs on Tuesday....rode all the way from Atlanta to the Tuesday night crit. I figure that'll get me through July-ish.

Towel Boy: En Fuego

2009-03-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again...the only event bigger than the T500 has officially kicked off for 2009. The Tuesday night crit is here...and apparently one man listened to the annual "win or you're fired" speech. Towel Boy. Sure, he showed up halfway through the ride, but he was doing repeats at the mountain beforehand. Sure we had 8 guys. And of course, most of the field was straight Cat 6 material. ProTour kits? Yep. Mismatched? Sure, sometimes. Primal Wear? Of course. Plenty of it. But fuck it...Towel Boy laid down the law. After numerous attempts to get up the road and stay there, Towel Boy soon learned that a sprint was simply unavoidable. Way too much horsepower in the field behind for anything to stick. And by horsepower, I do mean Primal Wear. So at 500 meters, he found a largeish Mapei/Liquigas composite rider to tuck in behind. And at one hundred meters...he launched his sprint like a bat out of hell. He came around one rider and slayed two ProTour teams at the same time! That's how Towel Boy does it on Tuesdays. HTFU.

SIDS- It's not just for babies anymore.

2009-02-06T06:50:00.001-08:00

Seriously, what the fuck is going on? It's like SIDS for grown-ups over there. But let's not jump to conclusions. This sort of thing happens all the time...perfectly healthy, elite-trained 21 year-old guys just dying in their sleep. No warning, no 58% hematocrit, no nothing. Total shock to everyone. Always is. I can guarantee he wasn't surprised that he didn't wake up...but now everyone else (management, riders, et al) has to act with utter shock and dismay in order to cover their own asses. Offensively pseudo naive quote of the day- "Nolf called his parents and said, 'Tomorrow, I will race hard, I will give it a try.' There were no signs that he was ill or sick." Never is...

Protect your junk.

2009-01-20T08:56:00.000-08:00

Mensa International

2009-01-07T13:01:00.000-08:00

I had an awesome hour long ride this morning. To start my ride, I had one of the most amazing conversations I've had in quite some time. One of those where you're the smartest guy in the room (or in this case, the Kennesaw Mtn. parking lot). And that doesn't happen very often in my world. It was between me and some guy, and it went something like this:

Some guy: Hey, how long are you riding today?

Me: Not very long...maybe an hour or so.

Some guy: How far do you go in an hour?

Me: Not very far...probably about 15 miles.

Some guy: Wow...what is that...about 30 miles an hour?

Me: No, it's a little closer to 15 miles an hour.

Some guy: I thought it was closer to 30 miles an hour.

Me: Yeah, I could see that...but no. It's about 15 miles...in one hour. Which pencils out to roughly 15 miles an hour.

Some guy: Ok, have a good ride.

Me: Thanks.

For all my satisfaction in outwitting the poor fella in the parking lot, things turned south on me in a hurry. Everything was all nice and sunny at the base of the mountain, but unbeknownst to me there was an arctic monsoon going on at the top. Trashman-like conditions. All my clothing was saturated after the first trip up, but I continued for a couple more repeats. By the third, I would've liked to crawl into a corner in the fetal position and cry for a while. But I couldn't find a corner, so I reminded myself of the time The Imposter felt hard and kept on riding. Then I realized I wasn't hard, and I was very uncomfortable. So I went home and decided I need to HTFU.

Cure for the indoor riding blues (aka the time I rode off the trainer, through the wall and into the next room).

2008-12-23T08:11:00.000-08:00

I've done the impossible. I've learned to ride the trainer effectively; with a motivation and fervor like never before. With the proper stimuli, it just doesn't bother me so much anymore. The professional might overlook a couple key ingredients to an effective workout. The Amateur does not. Simply put, success is in the details. Learn it. Live it. Love it. It's 8 am on a Tuesday. The Mainstay's watch says it's time for a cocktail. It's the fucking holidays. HTFU.

Don't work.

2008-12-09T14:41:00.000-08:00

My favorite and most thought provoking urinal experience in quite a while....courtesy of a South Carolina gas station bathroom. Two words and so many potential meanings....and while relieving myself, I pondered a few. What was the author trying to tell me? "Don't work"....as in "(it) don't work"? Like "it's broke"? Or did he mean for me not to work (it)...with "it" being the urinal. Or was it simply some ingenious short hand for "it don't work, 'cause it's broke...so don't go and try to work it". Or maybe he was trying to tell me personally not to work? As in I should quit my job. I'm ok with that too. I don't like to work so much anyway.

Separated at Birth (the legend of young Tommy Danielstay)

2008-12-05T13:08:00.000-08:00

Two brothers, separated at birth. The Mainstay and Tommy D. Amateur cyclist and professional cyclist. Pacesetter Steel Service and Garmin. Full-blown alcoholic and full-blown hypochondriac. Sarah and Stephanie. Marlowe and Fido....similar traits, different paths. But there's one obvious connection that really ties this whole thing together. They both love their rainbows. Tommy D seeks them out for a photo op like the Def Leprechaun looking for his pot o' gold. The Mainstay...he just likes rainbow stickers on his bike. And who can blame him, really? One is no less adorable than the other. Love is a rainbow. And such is the legend of young Tommy Danielstay.

Insulting a dead man: Payne Stewart just rolled over in his grave.

2008-11-24T09:41:00.000-08:00

Boonen! (aka the time I brought the news a day late and a dollar short...again)

2008-11-13T13:04:00.000-08:00

I just came across this pic, and it reminded me of someone. Someone that has worn the rainbow stripes...and it's neither The Mainstay, nor Hoppy. It's someone that has won Roubaix. Someone that's been caught celebrating too early...and apparently too often. Yes, it's old news. But beggars can't be chosers. I honestly have no idea whether or not you're a beggar, but you're definitely not a chooser. Not here, you're not. I'm The Amateur, and I call the shots around here. You'll get the news when I get around to it.

How to utterly ruin a charity ride & lose a sponsor all in the same day

2008-10-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

How it's done: Find a charity ride (in this case, The Spin for Kids...a century to raise money for Camp Twin Lakes. Agree to do the ride (half of it...no more) with a potential sponsor, who happens to be the guy putting on the ride (and raises many thousands of dollars for said cause). Bring the squad, plus two new recruits (Towel Boy and The Fever). In the first 6 minutes of the ride, put the boys on the front to ride a steady tempo...a tempo kinda like Quick Step would ride to get Boonen to the line (no pun intended) in the last 5k of a spring classic (any classic, your choice)....in a crosswind, in the gutter, and uphill. Drop potential sponsor like a hot rock, and wait for him at the rest stop about an hour and a half in...after you've eaten all the food HE provided for the ride...so he gets to ride the next hour alone and in the wind. This gives him plenty of time to ponder what a strong team you have. Tell him thank you, that you enjoyed it, and that it's time to cut the ride short so you can eat all the buffalo wings he provided for the finish. Now that's PRO right there. As the Def Leprechaun might say..."Well played, boys!" Glad we could make it.

Amateurity: Catch the fever!

2008-10-30T12:55:00.000-07:00

Jittery Joe's Pro Cycling Team has confirmed it will take a step back in 2009, with the team adopting amateur status. The team will concentrate on racing on the east coast and continue working with young rider development. "While the support from Jittery Joe's continues to be strong, the combination of the loss of auxiliary cash sponsors and the spike of travel costs has caused us to re-think our budget," said team manager Micah Rice. "We just decided that we needed to take a step back to keep the programme healthy-neither riders nor sponsors would be happy if we tried to stretch the budget too thin". The team will also continue its Patron Program which allows individuals to sponsor riders to help in the development of young aspiring professionals. "I hate to see it happen, but on the other hand since as a firm we're trying to expand in the southeast, in some ways we can have a stronger presence as an amateur team because we'll be at more things in more concentrated ways," said Bob Googe, the CEO of Jittery Joe's Franchising. "We expect to be back in the pro peloton very soon as we start opening new stores and can afford to put more money into the programme."

Towel Boy! (Slim's bachelor party Part I)

2008-09-22T14:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a good nickname simply comes from one's obvious and innate characteristics. Other times, it's a poor decision and a laugh at one's expense. Oftentimes, it involves many cocktails. But rarely does one actually volunteer for said nickname. And nearly never do all of the above circumstances align at the very same moment in time. That's when the nickname actually sticks. Colby, this one's gonna be around for a while. And by a while, I mean forever.

No porn. No pretense. No tan lines. Just amateur.

2008-09-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

Keep your clothes on folks. Unlike The Imposter, 2beamateur remains a family-friendly site.

The time I liked Levi (aka the time Levi knocked Millar's tooth out with a cork and scorched his eyeballs with a spot of bubbly)

2008-09-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

Armstrong: Riders react (and confirm that Levi is a perennial non-factor at Astana)

2008-09-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

Alejandro Valverde (Caisse d’Epargne): "If he did come back, he’d be ready to race the Tour, even though I don’t know if he could win it. I know that he hasn’t lost his physical form and if he begins to train in earnest he could be right there. I find it hard to believe that he’d come back, but if there are rumors, maybe something’s there. Astana with Contador and Armstrong would be one hell of a team!" True. But what about Levi?! Would somebody please let him ride? Let Levi ride. PLEASE.... SOMEBODY!

UPDATE: Apparently Johan won't. He had this to say about Astana's position at the Vuelta: "The team order is strictly put in place, though. "Alberto is the leader of the team. If the logic is respected, he is the best climber. The Angliru is very steep, in theory it should be good for him. But it's always good to have a second guy up there." So Levi is the second guy. The second guy doesn't win. The second guy is the first loser. The Mainstay knows that.

The Amateur for President!

2008-09-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

Click the pic for detailed newscast...

You could put your money on the messenger....

2008-09-04T20:40:00.001-07:00

You could...or you could just flush it down the toilet. It's all the same, really. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And desperate measures call for clutch hitters. And when it comes to knocking down a pint in 1.376 seconds, the Shrinking Man is clutch. Pacesetter had three wins in three days going into the post US100k TourDeCatur. Big Poppa brought down a W in the West Oak masters race on Saturday (and unfortunately he's got the t-shirt to prove it). Super Pooper won the Pro/Semi-Pro mtb race in Chattanooga on Sunday (and a Hello Kitty backpack to go along with it)...and TAdams took first place (out of the money) at the US100k NRC on Monday... with a fine 36th place. So in rolls the TourDeCatur, and Colby was looking like he was in danger of losing the King of the Cougars jersey. No sooner than it was thought, it was done. Philpot ran off with the goods. Unfortunately for Colby, he ran off with the cougar too. Pacesetter quickly shifted the game plan to focus on the sprinters jersey (a black GA Cup t-shirt, as it turns out). As you'll see, Shrinking Man stepped up and delivered. Some considered him an underdawg. Not this amateur. Unbeknownst to the tall, skinny, messenger that thought he won (even though he still had half a glass of beer left), this thing was over before it started. Word to the wise. If you don't do it all by yourself, the Shrinking Man WILL make you look silly. Most of us "forgot" how to do this somewhere around the second semester of our junior year in college...if not high school. Shrinking Man isn't "most of us". Watch and learn.

Here's to two-day hangovers...and recycled blog pics.

2008-09-03T15:53:00.000-07:00

In Ireland it was said that the cure for a hangover is to bury the ailing person up to the neck in moist river sand. That's a lie. In America, it is said to never trust a Leprechaun with a bunch of moist river sand.

A little of this, a little of that.

2008-08-26T07:06:00.000-07:00

plus

equals

It's on.

The Def Leprechaun nails down a "Hot Chicks with Douchebags" glamour shot

2008-08-19T21:16:00.000-07:00

I don't know who she is, but I know it's not your wife and I'm pretty sure it's not your mom. I'm not even sure where to begin with this one, so I'm going to have to lean heavily on my 6 loyal readers (yes, it's grown like wildfire) to throw down a caption in the comments ala the one and only (and arguably my favorite website in existence)....HCWDB. Someone, please caption this thing. I'm the judge, and the winner gets a stale box of Clif Bars and a race t-shirt that likely won't fit. It's not often that I reach out for crowd participation, but fuck. I think I just short circuited somewhere between the Motorola clipped to the Olympic polo, the shades, the earpiece, and the tounge stuck out like you just hit that shit. All of which has been capured by (or simply offered to) the AJC. I should be in bed right now. But I'm not. And D, it's your fault. Sometimes I find shit, and sometimes it finds me. I didn't go looking for this one.

Full story here. Drink at The Grange. I will. Like that just put me back in good graces. Sorry D, you were holding the gun, and it was pointed in the wrong direction.

One for The Mainstay and Big Poppa

2008-08-19T08:05:00.000-07:00

My top 5 favorite names of countries (that I've never heard of) that have won more medals than Ireland (0)

2008-08-15T07:47:00.001-07:00

1. Azerbaijan (4 medals- 1 gold, 2 silver, 1 bronze)
2. Uzbekistan (2 medals- 1 silver, 1 bronze)
3. Kyrgyzstan (2 medals- 1 silver, 1 bronze)
4. Togo (1 medal- 1 bronze)
5. Tajikistan (1 medal- 1 bronze)

Def Leprechaun- even the country of Georgia (less than half the size of the state of Georgia) has managed to pull down three medals...while the homeland is getting militarily throttled by Russia, no less.

Glass house, you say? True, the Greeks aren't exactly lighting up Beijing. But here's the deal...we invented the fucking Olympics. Our work is done here.

David Millar? Is that you?

2008-08-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

Have you changed your name and nationality and turned to wrestling?

BEIJING, Aug 14 (Reuters) - Swedish wrestler Ara Abrahamian threw down his greco-roman bronze medal in protest on Thursday after his bid for Olympic gold was ended by a decision denounced by the Swedish coach as “politics.”

Abrahamian took the bronze from around his neck during the medal ceremony, stepped from the podium and dropped it in the middle of the wrestling mat then walked off.

“I don’t care about this medal. I wanted gold,” he said.

A bitter Abrahamian, silver medalist at Athens 2004 who had high hopes of top honors in the 84kg competition in Beijing, announced he was quitting the sport.

“This will be my last match. I wanted to take gold, so I consider this Olympics a failure,” he said.

Amateur's note: this Olympics is not a failure. You are. Harden the fuck up, you fucking pansy.

Please also note that he's quitting the sport, not retiring. He's an amateur. I suspect the professional ranks don't exist in the sport of greco-roman wrestling. Tough to believe, with that level of professionalism.

Pooperman back in the news

2008-08-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

Newsflash: CBrown wins the Cleveland Crit and wears last year's kit on the podium...only to be scolded by the CEO of Litespeed (major sponsor of the team and CBrown's employer). Despite his astounding physical performance, this move sets Brown's amateurity in stone, guaranteeing him a spot on the Pacesetter Steel Service squad for '09 and beyond. His career at Litespeed, on the other hand, just might be in jeopardy. And nevermind the fact that he loaned his only current kit to TAdams for the race...which he took straight to the podium. Sorry Pooper, no good deed goes unpunished. Learn it, live it, love it. You can't leave it. Nice helmet, by the way. Careful...climbing up to that top step can be dangerous. Like I would know. Well, that's what the guy standing next to you told me anyway.

CBrown (aka Super Pooper aka Pooperman) goes 4 for 4

2008-08-12T09:33:00.001-07:00

CBrown, Super Pooper, Pooperman- whatever you want to call him- he's on a hot streak. He's poopin' good. He's poopin' better than good. He's poopin' great....again. In fact, he must've shat himself twice last Saturday night. Two crits, two starts, two wins. The guy has won the last four races he's started. I think that's more than I've won in my entire life of bike racing. Please note that I say life, not career. Careers are for professionals.

CBrown lined up solo in the masters field at the Cleveland Crit for a little warm up. Won it. The he lined up with his new Pacesetter teammate TAdams for the Pro1/2 race. Won it. TAdams brought home 2nd after a two year hiatus from road racing. Pacesetter wins the masters and goes 1-2 in the Pro1/2...that's a first. And likely a last.

Sunday at Grant Park started much the same. Big Poppa and I lined up for the masters race to warm up for the Pro1/2 race. Won it. Big Poppa took the W, and the 300 bones that went along with it. The Amateur got a healthy little split for 45 minutes worth of riding around.

The follow-up was a little different. We made a mess of the Pro1/2 race, pretty much riding around in circles like the bunch of amateurs we are, while the pros did some racing. They pretty much rode circles around us. Actually, they quite literally rode circles around us. Three guys lapped. They're for real pros though. Hell, they can even retire from the sport someday. Me, I'll just quit. Amateurs quit. Retiring is for professionals.

Panama. That's all. Just Panama.

2008-07-30T12:53:00.000-07:00

Adam Bender: reason #346 why I need to HTFU

2008-07-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

Ron, I'm sorry but I think you need to HTFU too. You've been trumped.

Scandal: the many faces of Malachi

2008-07-25T10:28:00.001-07:00

It has often been wondered how Malachi is able to race in so many categories and age groups other than his own. And that would be a fair question. Truth be told, he is a master of disguise (pun intended). He has a different look for each and every class and category that USA Cycling has to offer (please note "Junior Malachi" and "Masters Malachi" pictured above). He should not be trusted. He's been stealing sport class prizes (comprised largely of frame pumps, chain lube, seat bags, shraeder valve mtb tubes, XXL t-shirts, etc.) from unsuspecting competitors, young and old. It's been going on all year, and it's time to make a stand. If you see Malachi in any of his above incarnations, please report his presence to a USAC official immediately. Trust me, it's for your own good.

Malachi wins!

2008-07-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

The writing was on the wall. Malachi wasn't going to get that elusive win in the junior sport ranks. It just wasn't meant to be. So what is any self-respecting 26 year-old man to do? That's right, you guessed it...race masters!

Cadel goes Zidane on reporter!

2008-07-24T01:25:00.000-07:00

Wonder if anyone tried to stand on the dog...

2008-07-23T13:29:00.001-07:00

The end of an era...and the Mainstay wins!

2008-07-22T06:55:00.000-07:00

The famed (pinkish) red KRZR that has tortured me for many months is now officially a thing of the past. It has been retired and replaced with a real grown-up phone. I could probably ebay the thing to some unsuspecting pre-teen for upwards of $100. But I'd get far more satisfaction by smashing the thing into a million little pieces in the middle of my office parking lot (or the Verizon lobby for that matter).

What on God's green earth did the Mainstay win, you ask? Well, it's not Farmer Road. He now officially owns the title for the most frolicsome phone ever. For a while it was a close race. But he's now attacked and off on his own. He wins this thing solo, arms in the air, all zipped up, shooting the arrow, sucking the pacifier, firing off guns, and rocking the baby. Mainstay, it's about time you won something. Congratulations.

Cadel ups his game

2008-07-21T09:19:00.000-07:00

The feisty little bitch slaps were merely a shot across the bow. Apparently the next guy to disrespect Cadel or one of his animals (stuffed, living, ficticious or otherwise) is going to lose his lid. "Don't stand on my dog, or I cut your head off"?! Is that really what he said? And what the fuck is he talking about? Where's the dog? And how do you stand on a dog? Sounds dangerous. You could twist an ankle or something. Frank Schleck straight up stole his stuffed animal (and the yellow jersey that went along with it), so he doesn't need to protect that anymore. I guess the freaky little gnome is just trying to protect anything within his reach. Thanks Cycleto c/o LV for this contribution. Oh, and speaking of dogs, please adopt one.

Friendly reminder to the Mainstay

2008-07-18T15:08:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow's the 500. Do some fucking thing. Win or you're fired.

Rockin' more in-competition Viagra than Slipstream...

2008-07-18T12:54:00.000-07:00

ATHENS (Reuters) - Nine British women were facing charges after being arrested at the weekend for taking part in an oral sex competition in the Greek holiday island of Zakynthos, police said on Monday. Six British and six Greek men, including two bar owners, were also charged in the incident, which took place at Laganas beach in the south of the Ionian island, which lies off the west coast of mainland Greece, police said. The women, who came to the popular resort on holiday, had been paid to take part in the competition, which was video recorded and was to be posted on the Internet, police said. The men were charged with encouraging obscene behavior. In recent years, Laganas has established itself as one of Greece's most popular destinations for twenty-something holidaymakers and is known for its wild party scene. Around 15 million people -- a fifth of them British -- visit the eastern Mediterranean country each year, drawn by its soaring summer temperatures, azure waters and sandy beaches.

So where do I sign up? I didn't see this event on BikeReg. I think this amateur just found a new sport... I'm gonna be a Euro-pro yet.

"Paint me bar" party!

2008-07-17T12:11:00.001-07:00

Calling all friends...and foes too. Open your heart. Lend a hand. The Def Leprechaun is looking for willing bodies to help give the (soon to be) Grange Public House a little TLC and a fresh coat of paint prior to the grand opening in September. Where: The old Angel location at 426 West Ponce de Leon in Decatur. When: Saturday and Sunday. 2pm until you can paint and/or drink no longer. Food and beverage aplenty. Please show up so I don't have to. Tell the Def Leprechaun you saw it on 2beamateur and receive a free pint (to be consumed by me).

Chaz speaks out regarding Ricco & Cadel

2008-07-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

From Chaz via iPhone (with the ironic subject line "major blog fodder"): "Hard to know where to start with Ricco. So many quotes and so many easy targets. Cadel is the least likable tour leader ever. It is painful to hear him speak. I feel sorry for him and want to lick him in the nuts at the same time". Huh?! You want to LICK Cadel's nuts. Chaz credits this little mishap to his Freudian iPhone's predictive text. Do what you will with that.

10 ways to fire yourself in 2 minutes and 9 seconds

2008-07-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

Big thanks to the Wattage Cottage for this one.

Cadel Evans: rough and tumble tour boss

2008-07-16T12:27:00.000-07:00

Apparently the freaky little yellow-clad gnome doesn't want to be touched...and he clearly doesn't want anyone petting his stuffed animal. Hard to believe a guy with this display of brawn is leading the Tour de France. Any more disrespecting the yellow jersey, and someone's going to get the ever living shit pinched out of them. Special thanks to the Mainstay for passing along this little gem.

Here we go again...

2008-07-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

Malachi on the box with small children. Michael Jackson has spent less time holding hands with little boys. Please win one of these things and start racing with the grown-ups. PLEASE. This is getting uncomfortable.

CBrown: Super Pooper

2008-07-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

In the words of the late Bob Kassow, "if you're poopin' good, you're racin' good". CBrown is poopin' good. In fact, he's poopin' great. After a solid 2 weeks of training (total, all year), he lapped the field in the TN masters state crit championships a couple weeks back to nail down the win and the jersey. The following weekend, he smacked it from the bottom of the final climb to take 2nd place at the Rome road race. If his teammate (me) was paying any attention whatsoever, he would've reeled in the 2 man break prior to the climb, and he wouldn't have had to be concerned with making up 52 seconds in under 2 miles. That would've been nice. Instead, CBrown took matters into his own hands, catching one guy and taking exactly 47 seconds out of the other. With a half a teammate that would've been an easy W. But look who you're dealing with here. Me. Sucks for you, Brown. As a consolation, I offer you this:

Granny Mainstay's motivation revealed

2008-07-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

If you come across this bullshit, do us all a favor. Hit cancel (but leave the nozzle in your tank), crank up the car, and hit the gas. Drive straight through the front door of the gas station...then exit the car and grab a 6 pack of beer from the cooler. Hell, make it a 12 pack. Fuck it, grab a case. Pay for it if you wish. Scratch that. Walk out with it. Granny Mainstay is way too generous. Shoplifting is a crime; but then again, so is highway robbery.

Mainstay's grandmother arrested...again.

2008-07-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

NORWALK, Calif. — A convenience store became an unwilling drive-in when a 74-year-old woman plowed her car through the front window and then tried to buy a six-pack of Budweiser, police and the owner said. Lynne Rice of Norwalk drove her 1988 Cadillac into Joe's Food Mart and Video on Sunday evening, Los Angeles County sheriff's Lt. Jenny Ha said. The car plowed about halfway through the store but nobody was injured. Rice got out of the car, walked over to the cooler and pulled out a six-pack of Budweiser beer, said the store owner, who gave only his last name, Awada, to the Long Beach Press-Telegram. I don't know how she managed to walk," Awada said, adding a cashier declined the sale and instead called police. Rice was taken to a hospital for examination because she had a pre-existing medical condition, Ha said. She was also arrested for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence and released on $15,000 bail, authorities said. Rice could not be reached for comment Tuesday. There was no telephone listing with her name in Norwalk. Awada said the crash destroyed two 6-foot-wide glass panels. Damage was put at about $8,000.

Sometimes you think you're a pimp...

2008-06-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

...and oftentimes that's when you get knocked the fuck out. Like Saturday for instance. CBrown and I headed up to Avery Trace completely confident that we were about to cash in on a solid climbing race paying 20 deep...with a cat 2 bonus on top of that. Easy money. Here's how it all went down: We got absolutely rocked. No one in the top 20. No money.

The course was one huge loop- no multiple laps...which meant two things for certain: 1. I would not get lapped. 2. I would not take a free lap. This was an adjustment for me, as I've been known to do both. So apparently lots of guys thought we needed to race this thing like a Tour stage....full gas to the base of the climbs and even faster up them. I personally thought it was a bit much. And Olheiser seemed to think he needed to race it like a TT stage. His one man train (engine, boxcars, and caboose) left the station a handful of miles in, never to be seen again. I'm done trying to figure out how. Much like Hoppy and kinda like the Mainstay, he's got stripes. That I do know.

Who brought home the bacon on this day? Corky did. 5th place in the 4's...and 30 bucks. The Tuesday Nite Yard Sale had a good ride as well, but brought home no bacon. He clearly left it all on the road; as evident by his post-race scolding of a statue for being out in the rain with a laptop. It should also be noted that CBrown exacted some revenge on the masters field on Sunday for Saturday's P1/2 shortcomings. He's the newly crowned masters 30+ TN state criterium champ. Congrats my man!

I neither raced, nor won anything on Sunday. Kinda like Saturday.

The Mainstay's racially misguided frisbee returns to Candler Park

2008-06-18T14:53:00.000-07:00

The Mainstay and his famously dangerous frisbee will be making yet another appearance at Candler Park this weekend at the Midsummer Music Fest. Drivin' N' Cryin' starts at 7. Blues Traveler at 9. Come one, come all. And wear a helmet if you know what's good for you.

Please note that the Mainstay's savage tan will likely eclipse that of 420 fest. The boiled lobster will be back! Sounds like he's been throwing himself a 2nd bachelor party at the family vacation this week in Hilton Head. It's only Wednesday and he's on his 3rd case of beer. It should also be noted that he shotgunned 7 beers before 3pm on Tuesday. You heard me. A 30 year old man shotgunning beers...at the family vacation.

The Rome race should go pretty well next weekend.

Malachi, you're late for your podium!

2008-06-17T11:17:00.001-07:00

Where are you? Second place to the podium please....

Is that you, Malachi? Nope, he's not here....

There you are! But why is that 9 year old STILL kicking your ass? Did you beat him up and take his sparkling grape juice from him? And why are you wearing your wife's kit?! Seriously, I thought The Imposter, Esq. was the only guy that pulled that sort of shit (it should be noted that Trashman busted him riding in his Ladyfriend's kit this weekend....and photos would indicate that this wasn't the first offense).

He's got balls

2008-06-16T08:21:00.000-07:00

All up in my kitchen

2008-06-04T12:03:00.000-07:00

You're gonna have good days, and you're gonna have bad days...and you're gonna have days when your house gets hit with a fucking Ford F250. Like yesterday, for instance. Seriously, what the fuck? My house was hit by a truck. And I had to wait in gridlock traffic (due to the scene in front of my own house) just to get there to assess the damage. You would've thought it was 9-11 on Church Street. It's no secret that I'm not a fan of traffic to begin with...so just add in the fact that I know that I have a pickup all up in my kitchen; and I'm in gridlock just trying to get there. Normally when I reach this state (traffic, minus the truck vs. house incident), I pull over and pick up a six pack. Unfortunately, there was not a beer store in the 200 yards between my sedentary vehicle and my house. I would've shotgunned all 6 of them, plus one or two of the warm ones from beneath my drivers seat. Fortunately, the end result is not as bad as this pic looks, and there is no structural damage to the house. The guy's front axle came to rest on the concrete foundation that holds up the side steps....which left the bumper inches from my kitchen wall. Which left me inches from a Geico-funded major kitchen renovation.

Leipheimer: 'We'll ride for Alberto'

2008-05-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

That's a great idea...since he leading the race with two days to go and all...

My boy- Yet another priceless quote in response to the '08 Giro Huffy toss.

2008-05-29T15:19:00.000-07:00

"I was so raging and focused that all the energy I had for winning the race was taken out on my bike. I'm not that person, I don't see red. But I think it's quite funny I did that." -Velonews

Yeah, quite funny. Absolute fucking riot, d-bag.

A few words of wisdom from Chopper

2008-05-29T13:26:00.000-07:00

Sucking at a level that surprises even myself (aka the day I took a free lap in a road race)

2008-05-28T15:08:00.001-07:00

Three weeks ago I finished in the winning break at the Cumming Series 7 race....amateur style. The field turned right instead of going straight, and the pro-heavy "real" break got disqualified after amassing an approximately 45 minute advantage to the field...so the chase group of 8 that I was in suddenly became the winning break. You can either do it the hard way, or the easy way. We chose the easy way, and the amateurs got paid on this day.

Fast forward a couple weeks to the Tour of Atlanta. 7 stages in 5 days. I managed to get dropped on both my road bike and my tt bike, all within one race. Awesome. I started 5 stages and (kind of) finished 2. Never done that before. 0 for 2 in the crits, and even got destroyed by my own teammates in the TTT. Even better.

On the single road race stage and managed to blow out my rear tire after narrowly avoiding the 3rd crash in the first 5k. Fantastic. Two of those crashes happened in the first 500 meters. One of those crashes had Ron W. (the most dangerous one-legged man on two wheels) launched over the bars and literally running down the road in cycling shoes. Perfect dismount. Anyone else with two legs would've died. Not Ron though. He gets it done with one.

So now it's time for a free lap. That's right...I took a free lap in a road race. I've seen it done by some seasoned pros, turned down the opportunity myself, and wasn't going to make that mistake twice. I just needed to know what it feels like. The race promoter loaded my shit up in the van after waiting for the ambulance to take away an injured rider (Friday the 13th style gore) and took me to my car to change my wheel. Not the wheel truck, but my car...in the parking lot. I picked up a king size rice krispie treat, something to drink, and a fresh set of brake pads. If I had some football gear for the remainder of the race, I would've suited up.

Now he takes me straight back up to the race. Fair enough. At this point...now officially a lap down in a road race...I rolled into the back of the race and hung out with the Mainstay while we ate, drank, discussed his intestinal problems, and dodged a few more crashes. When it was time to bring the break back, an unnamed pro team that happened to miss the break organized at the front of the race and motorpaced the lead van to pull back a 6 minute advantage to the break. Thad was the last rider left up the road, and was brought back in the fold just inside 500 meters from the line. Those guys timed their motorpacing perfectly!

What the hell was I going to say? I was IN the van for half the race....they were just behind it. Chalk that one up as another lesson learned...free laps in a road race, and motorpacing the break back into the field for a field sprint. The pros have it figured out, and I'm catching on. Moral of the story for this weekend- bad days are bad days, but a bad season just isn't funny. Especially when you just had one last year. Time to get this donkey turned around before the Def Leprechaun starts asking me when I'm going to start finishing races again. The Mainstay might be ok with that sort of thing, but I'm just not going to have it.

Just too damn good to be true.

2008-05-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

Now, normally 2beamateur doesn't offer free advertising...primarily because space on this site is just too priceless (read: worthless). But every now and again I come across something that just needs to be posted for the good of all mankind (special thanks to the Mainstay for this one). I present to you the biggest Kiss sale in Primal Wear history! (Colossal to be exact). Don't be dumb....Git ya some!

Join my cult.

2008-05-21T15:10:00.001-07:00

The undisputed king of douchebaggery

2008-05-20T09:33:00.001-07:00

What's my opinion of David Millar you ask? Simply put, he's far and away the biggest crybaby ever to throw a leg over the top tube of a bike. That said, my aversion to him is an interesting dichotomy...the very circumstances that make me hate him the most also bring me the greatest pleasure in witnessing his making a complete and utter ass of himself. Some of my favorite highlights of his illustrious career (in no particular order) are as follows:

1. Pitching a complete fit and later publicly berating his Cofidis team and its manager at the 2003 TDF prologue when his chain came off. He lost by a fraction of a second. He would've won the stage. He didn't. I loved it.

2. Pitching a fit at the 2002 Vuelta because the final climb up the Angliru was too hard for him. He tore his number off, threw his bike down on the finish line, and refused to cross the line in protest. You'd think he was the only rider to have to finish on that climb. Somebody won that stage. It wasn't David Millar. He never had a chance, and I still loved it.

3. Getting drilled for doping and acting like a fucking hero for coming clean. He was getting interrogated in the can and cracked for fuck's sake! Bitch, you didn't come clean. You got nailed. It's like a speeding ticket. You're not a fucking hero for paying the fine. You didn't exceed the speed limit without getting caught and choose to make a charitable donation to your local municipality out of the goodness of your heart....and for the safety and welfare of all others on the road. You got nailed, toolbox.

4. Pitching a fit when Vinokourov's positive doping test was made public after stage 13 of the 2007 Tour... just prior to his press conference announcing his signing with Slipstream. His public response- "Jesus Christ- There you go, that's my quote. What timing, huh? This is just fucking great". Sorry to inconvenience you, Dave. How could someone be so inconsiderate as to dope and get caught on your big day?! He should've been a hero like you and "come clean" at a more opportune moment. Douchebag.

5. Pitching a fit and throwing his bike over the barrier when he snapped his chain a K from the finish while in the winning break last week at the Giro. Very professional. The sponsors love that sort of shit. The fans too. You probably would've won. You didn't. I loved it. (at least he went nuts to top tube. I loved that too).

6. Last but not least... I read this one on the plane last week. Classic Millar from the May 2008 Cycle Sport America magazine. "Where the hell are you Cycle Sport? If you're not here in five minutes, we're leaving". The phone goes dead. He yelled at and hung up on the journalist at least one other time while the guy was trying to find his way to the interview. I don't know what went on after that; I stopped reading there. In this Amateur's opinion, interviews and press in general is intended to give exposure to riders, the teams, and their sponsors. Nice work, Dave. Smooth, professional, and diplomatic as always.

At one point last year, I shot an email to a friend wondering why the hell Vaughters had signed him onto Slipstream. That email found its way to JV himself and eventually back to me. His response was "It's unfortunate that he feels that way. Maybe if he knew David, he would feel differently". That is incorrect. If I knew him, I would kick him in the nuts.

Since you asked...

Circus freaks

2008-05-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

This sport never ceases to amaze me. Ok- I kinda understand the theory of women who look like men winning bike races. You're gonna have that. But who the fuck is leading the Giro, Michael Jackson? If you're gonna get your dope on, at least read the label prior to injection. I had no idea estrogen had become the new doping hormone of choice. Obviously, the bearded gorilla freak that is Tammy Thomas (aka Ms. John Belushi) didn't buy into that theory. And just think how fast Visconti would be if he were using the right stuff...

The day that Malachi got his ass kicked by two 9 year-olds

2008-05-07T07:56:00.000-07:00

Not one...but two 9 year-olds. Sometimes people are afraid of a compromising photo showing up on the internet...but rarely is that feared photo a podium shot. Seriously, dude. First question- Why are you attempting to race mountain bikes without anyone knowing? You can't hide from me. Second question- Why are you racing in the sport class? You're a Cat 1. Third and most important question- Why are you racing in the JUNIOR sport class? You're a grown man for fuck's sake. Look at yourself...and those guys (children) standing ABOVE you on the podium. If you had looked left at the wrong time, you would've seen that little kid's junk (or lack thereof) through the gaps in the legs of his shorts. His kneecaps are clearly the largest part of his legs. That kid's bringing baggy back...in fucking spandex. And in the process, he's kicking your ass, Malachi! Your wife goes out and wins her race, and you get the shit kicked out of you by a couple 4th graders. Your pink slip is in the mail.

Hood rat stuff

2008-05-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

Captain Skymall pulls one down!

2008-04-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

Former teammate and fellow amateur Captain Skymall pulled down a W this weekend in the P1/2/3 afternoon race at Twilight...then in a desperate act to reconfirm his amateurity, he promptly got blown straight out the back of the Big Show on Saturday night. Congrats, my man... but if you had any sense at all, you would've began celebrating that victory immediately following your finish. You wasted nearly 8 hours of drinking time. Just when I think you're putting together all the pieces, you go and pull a stunt like this. It should also be noted that the Madman took one straight out of the books of the Mainstay and finished up second on the day. Congrats to you as well...but apparently you could've used a mid-race break like Skymall. At least he had the sense to let some air out of his tires half way through the race to take a little breather. Win or you're fired, Madman.

Losing isn't the end of the world. It's just the beginning of being a loser.

2008-04-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

The day I kicked the living shit out of Greg Henderson in a sprint (aka the time that Chaz guest rode for Health Net)

2008-04-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

The first time was the second stage of the Tour of Jamaica '06. Henderson had won Philly and Reading the previous week, and apparently he thought he was riding well. And he was...but obviously I was riding better. Much better. So much better that he had no idea that I was about to absolutely kick the shit out of him at the Tour of Jamaica. Not even when he was strutting around in the ATL airport in his knee high compression socks with shorts and All-stars. At that time he probably still thought he was going to kick MY ass at the Tour of Jamaica. He would've been wrong if that's what he was thinking. Now nevermind the fact that he bridged 15 minutes solo across to a break in one of his two functional gears. Nevermind that fact that I punched him in the nuts just before the left hand turn with 150 meters to go. Nevermind the fact that the non-Jamaican riders in the break were told we had 35 more miles to race about 500 meters from that last left hand turn. And nevermind the fact that he might've had a mouth full of food, a water bottle in one hand, and his other hand digging around somewhere in his pockets. None of this matters...it's all sour grapes now. I came out of that turn 5th wheel, finished there, and he never came around me. Where I come from, that's referred to as a good old fashioned amateur ass-kicking. The next stage, while wearing the overall leaders jersey, he climbed off his bike on the one hard climb of the day, got in the car, and DNF'd. He said his knee hurt. You know what I say to that, Greg Henderson? Harden the fuck up. And this guy gets a ProTour contract? Now he's leading the Tour de Georgia? And winning field sprints? This can only mean two things. 1. I should be racing on a ProTour team. 2. I am clearly stronger than anyone that is racing in the TDG. This is all very clear to me now. Nice jersey, Hendy. You know I own that fucking thing.

Mainstay holds true to form

2008-04-23T08:01:00.000-07:00

The Mainstay is back to his old ways. A few of his critical stats for the weekend:

Placing at Farmer Rd. sprint at the T500: 2nd (bridesmaid, as usual)

Approximate number of beers consumed at the Candler Park 420 Fest: 420

Number of African American women he hit in the head with a frisbee: 1

Number of African American women that wanted to fight him: 1

Number of friends that would've had his back: 0

Number of times he was hit in the head with a frisbee: 1

Suggested sunblock SPF for the day: 60

Number of sunblock applications: 0

Degree of sunburn on his face and arms: 3rd

Approximate time of blackout: 8pm

Approximate time he quit drinking: 10pm

Approximate amount of gas in the tank when he left for home: 2.5 oz.

Approximate distance from home when his car ran out of gas: .5 mi.

Approximate calories burned while pushing car home: 420 cal.

Needless to say, things are looking really good going into Athens Twilight.

Mainstay's drinking at lunch again...

2008-04-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

Boonen goes Amateur!

2008-04-16T14:29:00.001-07:00

Quite possibly the most PRO rider in the peloton pulls quite possibly the most AMATEUR move known in the cycling world. Premature celebration. I wouldn't know anything about this since I never actually put myself in a position to win (much less to piss one away), but how tough is it to keep both hands on the bars till you actually get there? I'm thinking risk to reward here...

Imposter's jacket stolen. Reward offered for its safe return.

2008-04-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

The Opinionated Cyclist is a criminal. Not only did he steal the thing, but he's wearing it on camera. This is the very jacket worn by the Imposter at the Gainesville road race. True, The Imposter's jacket appeared to be hot pink (or fuschia depending on gender/sexual orientation), but it is reversible with lime green on the flip side (as seen below). One month's free coaching offered by 2BeProCoaching for its safe return (an additional month's coaching thrown in if jacket is returned without cran-apple juice stains). Please folks...a little help here. They haven't made one of these things since 1984. This is clearly not an article of clothing that can be easily replaced.

I'm not buyin' what you're sellin'

2008-04-15T18:37:00.000-07:00

...but maybe I should be. Big Poppa's fancy-ass panty hose couldn't possibly make me any slower. But what could, really?

Brung it!

2008-04-14T08:44:00.001-07:00

Brang it!

2008-04-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

The day I should've dropped myself

2008-04-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

The weekend started out normal enough. I again had the worst TT of my life. Again. And that's pretty tough to do. I'm setting the bar pretty high each and every time I throw a leg over my TT bike. Minus the multiple crashes and add in a little driving rain, my performance was very '05 Rasmussenesque. Pretty much just a meltdown from the beginning. And it cost me a 12 pack to the Mainstay on top of it all. I was fully prepared to DNF about 200 meters in, and probably would've if I didn't end up catching another rider (that I will not name) to chat with out on the course. I eventually got too wet and cold to talk anymore and picked up the pace for no other reason than to get back to the car. Somewhere between that decision and the car, I crossed the finish line for a stellar 40 something out of 50 something finish. What the guys that finished behind me were doing out there, I have no idea. I can only surmise that there were multiple mechanicals, maybe a few crashes, and likely a missed turn or two.

Then came the road race. My legs came around a little bit. Just enough to be a menace. Normally, the only thing I can do is climb. Not today. I made it over the KOM the first time with the front group fairly easily. The second time over, the wheels pretty much came off, and I ended up in a chase group of about 10. This is where the real amateurity begins. Half the field had been dropped at this point, and my only teammate left in the race was the Imposter...who had made the selection. So being the good teammate that I am, I put in a huge effort to help drive this group across the gap and back to the front of the race. For some reason, the Imposter was happy to see me when I got there. Maybe he didn't know the only thing I had to offer at that point was a handful of guys that would kick his ass in the field sprint. I'm an awesome teammate.

Sunday was the crit. I can always tailgun with the best of 'em, but this day I took it to a whole new level. It was pretty much a clinic. An art form. Of the 60 laps, I would estimate that I rode 59.8 of those on the back. Not towards the back, but absolute fucking caboose. Proud of my Lanterne status on the day, I intended to finish the thing off proper...in last place. Unfortunately at the finish, Captain Skymall got the best of me and reverse pipped me at the line. He made a quick deceleration and rolled in right behind me. Not cool, Skymall. Don't think I won't get you back for that. Come to the back in Chattanooga this weekend. I dare you.

The only thing missing is the carrot and a helmet.

2008-04-03T05:51:00.000-07:00

Mainstay's streak ends with a bang

2008-04-01T09:08:00.000-07:00

The streak ends at 20 days, folks. It's over. Here's a little descriptive correspondence with the Mainstay on the tail end of his bender:

Mainstay: Fuck. I'm never drinking again. The streak will end today. 20 days. The last two days were epic. I feel like I'm going to die right now.

Amateur: did you go out last night?

Mainstay: Quit throwing it in my face about how good you feel today. I could throw up at any minute now. Went to brick and twain's. Bad fucking idea.

Amateur: wow. you need to get it together by tuesday. we're drinking again.

Mainstay: I may skip the crit just so I don't have to turn you guy's down on the drinking. Seriously, I'm done until at least Saturday.

Amateur: that is incorrect. try again.

Mainstay: The streak ended with a bang. Just threw up.

Amateur: sweet. puking on monday is awesome.

Mainstay: not really.

Amateur: if you're going to be an alcoholic, you really need to toughen up.

Mainstay: It's 9:37 and still no drink yet...Slept from 6-8:30. I basically had a 13hr bender on Saturday followed by about 11hrs yesterday. With 3hrs of sleep in between.

Amateur: Is the streak officially over?

Mainstay: It's official.

See that wagon up there? It's the Mainstay's. The wheels will be completely off that thing by Thursday.

Gun for sale. Only used once.

2008-03-31T07:41:00.000-07:00

If I had one of these, I would've used it Sunday morning. If I missed my target, I would've pulled the trigger again. Some brief but critical stats on the past few days: Friday night- three watering holes and way too many beers...followed up with a late night trip through the Krystals drive-thru with Corky and Rusty (on bikes)...concluded by a full-on 1k race back to my house. I won. First W of the season. Rusty almost got arrested for running a mid-race red light through a major intersection. It was green when I went through it....that's how much I dominated.

Saturday morning- brief intermission for the T500, which amounted to roughly four hours on the bike. (Stay tuned for future post titled "The day Corky rode in with the Neon Ninja Catfish".) Saturday afternoon and night amounted to 13 hours of drinking. How's that for some time in the saddle? I received a text Sunday morning asking if there were any good stories from Saturday night. I wasn't sure, and I wasn't lying.

Thank God for Zingo. And the Tuesday Nite Yard Sale's guest bedroom. Sunday- one bloody mary and two rides simply to try to live through the day. It was that or the gun, and I figured the drink would taste better. Special thanks to Corky, Rusty, Mainstay, Trashman, and the Tuesday Nite Yard Sale for taking another couple steps deeper into Amateurity with me.

As for the Mainstay, will the streak be ending? Let's hope not, but it's not looking good. Straight from the horse's mouth- "Fuck. I'm never drinking again. The streak will end today. 20 days. The last two days were epic. I feel like I'm going to die right now". I've heard that before, and I don't believe a word of it. Mainstay, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Don't quit. Quitters never win.

D in a tree hits it big, remix released

2008-03-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

Apparently my Amateur sketch has gone big time.

The day Big Poppa got worked over by a kid with junior gears

2008-03-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

It was Tuesday. Last Tuesday. And this time the kid was on a tt bike. A yellow one. He just rode away from Big Poppa on the last lap of the crit....on junior gears and a yellow tt bike. Dropped him like a sack of potatoes. Then he apologized for the embarrassment. Well today is a new day, and the teenager is going down. I don't care if he was nice enough to stop and check on Calvin after he solo yard saled turn one (amateur move, and lifelong amateur in the making). The niceties are over. The Mainstay just got some new Primal Wear, and I'm expecting an inspired ride tonight. Fresh off his tremendous victory on Farmer Road, he's gunning for the top spot. Nothing less will do. It's on.

D spotted in Mobile, Alabama?

2008-03-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

Please note the Amateur sketch. I drew it. Special thanks to Corky for the contribution.

Mainstay storms Farmer Road!!!

2008-03-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

The Mainstay officially became a bride on Farmer Road Saturday morning. He actually won a sprint. Nevermind the fact that he was the only one who knew where the "real" line was...he won it. And Big Poppa, Trashman, and myself were fortunate enough to be by his side on his special day. I've never been so proud.

It all started at a Pre-T500 team dinner at 6 Feet Under. Even The Imposter and the Ladyfriend stopped in for a quick beer. The Lanterne showed his face too (He also shared some fried okra with me- He's a Pro, so I put one piece in my pocket and took it home as a keepsake). Midway through dinner, the Mainstay called his shot after umpteen cocktails on Day 12 of his streak of his Spring Break tour of inebriation (Please note that the streak is still alive...at 14 days and going strong). We DNF'd the Rehabilitate the Mainstay fundraiser Saturday afternoon, so I really don't see any end in sight. After the early DNF, a nearly 10 hour bender ensued. This has subsequently left me with a severely sprained liver.

Possibly even more amazing than the Mainstay taking the sprint on Saturday is what happened afterward. An incredibly low-speed 6 man crash followed by two grown men in white spandex screaming at one another for about 15 minutes, then throwing punches in the middle of the road. Awesome. Neither was a day under 40 years old...and both were teammates. Who needs enemies when you've got friends like that? I'm certainly not going to name any names, but one of the guys had really tan and CHISELed legs. And no need to embarrass the whole team, so I'll leave that out too...but I seriously think they might be a feeder team for the Quick-Step masters program.

Always thinking ahead, the Trashman stood in the middle of the melee yelling for anyone that might have video on their phone. Unfortunately, YouTube wouldn't be so lucky...so for now you'll just have to settle for the below reenactment. As the dust settled, I think what bothered me most was the fact that Big Jon hit the deck for the 2nd time in 6 days and neither screamed at, nor swung at anyone. That's just not natural.

The helmet's not for cycling anymore.

2008-03-20T19:10:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure somebody's checked him in. Please don't watch the whole thing. Hell, I couldn't. Give yourself a good 30 seconds or so, then kill it. Just make sure you see enough to notice he's eating a fucking carrot with a helmet on. I'm extremely uncomfortable again. Blatantly stolen from the Imposter. Many thanks.

Rehabilitate The Mainstay

2008-03-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

The situation has gotten serious. I received this from him this afternoon: "We're going to the hotel bar after this seminar I've been in since 8am. Day number 9. Christ. You may want to post to see if anybody knows a good rehab clinic. Maybe a fundraiser to help offset the costs".

What better place to have a fundraiser than this weekend's Southeastern Flip Cup Championship? The Mainstay himself had suckered me and a handful of other idiots into this event. I can tell you this...I've never played the game in my life, but I've got a better shot at winning this thing than any bike race that might be going on this weekend.

Here's the good news. I've worked some magic. All proceeds from the event go towards the Rehabilitate The Mainstay Fund. RTM T-shirts will be available at the event. The schedule is as follows: 9:00 am Tucker 500 (watch The Mainstay get 2nd in a sprint first hand), clean up, then head to Gibney's Pub for the tournament/fundraiser for a 3:00 pm kickoff. After that, I would strongly advise that if you see The Mainstay of any of his band of hooligans out and about on Saturday night, just keep your distance. It's for your own good.

God willing, this will be The Mainstay's last hoorah before his rehabilitation. Somebody please bring a large wagon with a seatbelt and a straightjacket.

Pros have it easy

2008-03-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

He's not touched...this guy is crazier than a shithouse rat. Pros are overpaid. Absolutely! They're the most overpaid guys I know doing the limbo 6 feet below the poverty line. I think he also believes that with that lucrative pro contract, one also automatically receives his own personal team car (with driver and mechanic) who follows you around at all times waiting for you to flat.

He's all dressed up today....must've come straight from a wedding or something. Please note the (clip on) tie...and when he takes that bad boy off just to get a little more comfortable in front of the camera. Don't want to come off too stuffy and intimidate the fans. This guy is my new inspiration. Thanks to Big Poppa for passing this one along.

PRO...touched by an angel

2008-03-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

This is possibly the craziest fucker on the planet. If you can watch this without extreme discomfort, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you're at least marginally touched as well. I just don't know what else to say. Courtesy of Morning Wood's Ladyfriend. Enjoy.

The day I got worked over by a kid with junior gears.

2008-03-13T14:50:00.000-07:00

It was Tuesday. And apparently the Mainstay's bridesmaid's disease is contagious. Either that, or I just suck, which is a far more likely scenario. It all started when I called my shot the week before the first Tuesday night crit of '08. I told the Mainstay I was taking a flyer with 3 to go, and I wasn't coming back. I guess I got confused, and I rolled clear of the raging sea of Primal Wear 3 laps in. Over about an hour's time, 4 guys got whittled down to 2. One guy got dropped, and another pulled out of the break because he had to go home. Seriously. He just had to go home. Then it was down to me and the 17 year old kid. We agreed to work together until the last lap. So now I'm cutting deals with a teenager at the Tuesday night crit. Last lap rolls around, we sprint, and I think he put 175 meters into me in the last 200. And it's not like I didn't try. Then the little bastard told me he was sprinting at about 75% in his 13. I almost crashed him. I'll never own this jersey....and it's even better than Primal Wear. Had you asked me on Monday, I would've told you this thing wasn't coming off my back all year. I've already proven that I don't own Saturday or Sunday, and I'm not so hot on Wednesday. Thursday's out, and Friday's not looking too good either. Maybe I should shoot for Monday. Rent to own is the motto.

Mainstay takes a sprint!

2008-03-10T15:44:00.000-07:00

Not at a race, the Tucker 500, or anything else; but his very own Secret Handjob ride. In fact, he got smoked again at Airport the following morning. This weekend's Secret Handjob was one of many firsts. First of the firsts was that The Mainstay actually won a sprint. Yep, he won. Fortunately for him, this girl did not contest it. We all know how that would've gone. She would've lit him up like a Christmas tree. Truth be told, had the sprint been five feet longer, Shrinking Man would've blown by him like a runaway freight train. For those not in attendance, the end result looked a little something like this.

Another of the firsts was Shrinking Man getting an impressive and unprecedented 3 flats in no more than 50 meters distance. His destruction of equipment is pretty much an every day occurrence, but the sheer frequency of this mishap was astonishing. Perhaps even more amazing was the scene of the 2 and 3rd flats. A cavalry of about 20 African-American cowboys came galloping straight down the middle of the road. In traffic. Good thing The Mainstay wasn't in his Brokeback Halloween costume. I'm not sure how that would've gone, but probably not very well. I wouldn't have been anywhere near him to find out.

The last of the firsts was the attendance of a very controversial invitee. I'm really not sure what to make of it. He's dangerously close to Pro. He has been a Pro, he has won Pro races, and he knows Pros. He, like The Mainstay, knows Pros who know Pros. He looks and smells like a Pro. Sometimes he even acts like a Pro. His helmetless hair is unquestionably Pro. Fortunately for him, he drinks like a Pro too. And by Pro, I mean like an amateur. The Amateur...which is pretty Pro. I've spent more time with him at the pub than on the bike, so by default his attendance is justified. And there's this....take a look for yourself and tell me- How are you not going to invite the guy to the Secret Handjob ride?

They gave daddy the rainman suite...again.

2008-03-07T18:07:00.000-08:00

They did it again...but this time it was at Mandalay. For some stupid reason, they gave me the hookup at THE Hotel. And a multi-day hangover to go with it. Call it a souvenir. A little something to take home with me. And by little I mean big. Somebody fucking shoot me. If I had any semblance of a training plan, I'd call this one a rest week. Some people sleep during their rest weeks. True amateurs find other things to do with their time. Especially in Vegas. Great news- Belgian beers have officially found their way into town. Perfect. That's just what I needed. Because the other stuff just wasn't getting it done. And I don't get enough Belgian poison in my system at Brickstore. My performance Wednesday night was nothing short of Pro. Not D3, Continental, whatever. Straight up ProTour. Don't worry though- it's now Friday, and I've been promptly downgraded to my previous state of amateurity. My recovery has been like a Cat 5 in a grand tour. Amateur for life.

3-8-08 Secret Handjob ride announced!

2008-03-07T10:35:00.000-08:00

From the Mainstay:

We're getting the band back together...

"How about riding at 1pm from Gathering Grounds in Kirkwood (next Reynoldstown Tyler). 3-4 hours south of town. The weather should be better by then".

Apparently The Mainstay has gotten wise to the fact that he will never take a sprint at the Tucker 500....even when Tim throws down an all-pro leadout for him. He's decided to revive his very own Secret Handjob ride, which will be chock full of the worst sprinters in the US domestic peloton. He still won't take one.

As always, anyone wearing Primal Wear, crooked helmets, hairy legs, tubes, socks, etc. strongly encouraged to attend. Please also note that Tim will be signing complimentary autographs for any Hispanic riders in attendance.

Git it boy! WooWoooooo!!!

2008-03-03T14:50:00.000-08:00

That was the quote of the weekend, as spoken by a female gas station cashier (turned rabid cycling fan) after watching Saturday evening's criterium in Albany, GA. She sure liked her some Trashman. Who doesn't, really?

It was a good weekend. Big Poppa pulled down a podium in the prologue, Madman finished 6th in the crit, and I managed to helplessly ride around in circles in 3 separate events without ever actually getting dropped. I did, however, almost manage to drop myself in the TT. I nearly had to walk the last 300 meters. It probably would've been faster.

In his typical fashion, The Imposter rode the front all day, then counted his watts and snuggled with Chaz by night. Ladyfriend, I'm afraid we have a situation here. It's not a good one. We're going to need you to step in. Rumors are starting.

Overall, everyone rode well and the weekend was a success...except for our new rider Wes. I've had to fire him just as quickly as I hired him, and I'm bringing The Mainstay back on board. My "Win or you're fired" management policy is now in full effect. Not only did he underperform, but he also insulted the cycling fans of Albany. The facial hair, the finger gestures...it was just bad news.

Pacesetter signs new rider to replace The Mainstay

2008-02-29T14:29:00.001-08:00

Due to his lackluster performances at the Tucker 500 thus far, The Mainstay's contract with the Pacesetter Steel Service Cycling Team has officially been terminated. Look for his replacement to be flying the Pacesetter colors at the Albany Georgia Cup this weekend. Feel free to walk up and say hello...his name is Wes, and his photo is below. I'm expecting good things...with a mustache like that, the guy's gotta be fast.

For sale: Divine Intervention. 20 bucks.

2008-02-28T16:10:00.000-08:00

The below email was just forwarded to me by my dad. Read all the way to the bottom. Clearly this is Divine Intervention. I couldn't make this one up:

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE. You are special- Don't EVER forget it. If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems. And remember:

Amateurs built the ark ..
Professionals built the Titanic. (that's right bitches) ed.

If God brings you to
it - He will bring you through it.

Amateurs rejoice. It's ON.

Morning wood no mas

2008-02-26T13:12:00.000-08:00

Somebody's no longer sporting wood. Guess who? With all the help (cursing) I gave him in the race, he couldn't close the deal. Again. And guess who did? Yep, the ladyfriend. She won the ladies race. Imposter, not only is she hanging with the winners, but she's now one herself. As if it didn't look bad enough before. This is looking downright grim. If you're not careful, you're going to get a new nickname- The 23 year-old Virgin. Oh shit, I think it just happened. Sorry 'bout that.

Truth be told, I think The 23 year-old Virgin is the reason for my last post. I'm pretty sure I saw him at the pointy end of an insanely long single file line of riders...which I was viewing from the caboose. The boy's going fast right now, and it's only a matter of time before he brings home the bacon and the lady. My money's on a result this weekend in Albany. For real. And the course doesn't even suit him.

The Mainstay on the other hand...still getting worked at the Tucker 500. The Mainstay text update went as follows: "First loser...again. Even with a lead out from a PRO!". The next morning when I inquired about an afternoon ride, I was treated to "If you're cool, you're having a bloody mary like me." That pretty much set the tone for the ride ahead. We stopped at one coffee shop and two different bars and consumed a few Belgian beers and multiple PBR tallboys apiece. It was a 6 hour ride, with 1 hour of pedal time. If that's not a guaranteed training plan for eternal Amateurity, I don't know what is.

The day I almost got dropped in the 1st 500 meters of a road race

2008-02-25T13:58:00.000-08:00

It was a Saturday in Greenville. Last Saturday. I went on to get dropped for real not that many meters later. I didn't get lapped though. I got the hell out of there. I can laugh about getting lapped once in my life. But twice...I'm just not going to let that happen. Not on my watch. It's gonna be a great year. I can feel it.

It's about to get ugly

2008-02-22T14:08:00.000-08:00

This weekend is the official kick-off of the race season with the Donaldson Center road race in Greenville, SC. For some reason this race is always a disaster for me. I go there thinking I'm fit, and I'm trying to envision how I'm going to put myself in a spot to win. Then the wheels come off; sometimes literally. Bad things always seem to happen here. I've even been lapped at this race. It's a road race. Lapped. In this case, there was a huge crash; I got tagged in the head by a flying bike, and instead of taking a free lap (who the fuck takes a free lap in a road race?) like the other 50 guys involved did, I rode on. So I took a lap...but not a free lap. I paid for it. And for the first and hopefully last time in my life, I got lapped in a road race. Only a true Amateur can pull that off.
The good news is that normally when I have a horrible race here, I have a decent few races ahead. When I was even more Amateur than I am now, I got dropped somewhere around the first lap of this race, then came back to win Raccoon Mountain a couple weeks later. It's kinda like the par 3 tournament at the Masters. You don't want to win it. So I've got one goal this weekend. Don't win. I've been giving it some thought, and I think I can pull this off. Hell, I've been doing it for years.

While focusing on not winning, I will be trying my best to help Chaz Michael Michaelson win the Masters race, then helping The Imposter bring down a W in the Pro1/2. The Imposter's a very hard man right now. He said so himself. And he really needs to get laid. Victory is the only option here. Chaz on the other hand needs some sleep tonight. Cinderella's gotta get ready for the ball.

Meanwhile, Mainstay will be chasing that elusive win at the Tucker 500. Don't count on any good news from that camp. Remote text commentary with the Mainstay will be posted after the official results of the Tucker 500 are released. Until then, please take the time to place a wager on your favorite rider in the latest poll.

Somebody's got a hard on.

2008-02-22T07:48:00.000-08:00

It's this guy. And as well he should. He's lost his ladyfriend to his roomate, Big Jon, Crowe, and whoever else might be winning something, somewhere. Imposter, win something. For that, you just might get lucky. It's for your own good. And it will look good on your resume.

Cipo's brush with greatness

2008-02-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

So Corky's hanging out signing autographs in Vegas like usual, and this guy pulls up a chair, steals the pen and starts signing away. Like he's somebody. I wonder if he even knew the amateur he was sitting next to. He should've asked...and then he should've asked him for an autograph. I've seen Corky do things that I never thought humanly possible. He's a machine. In college he took doping to a whole new level, and he didn't even ride a bike. At the age of 35, he still gets chauffeured around Athens by pizza delivery guys. Corky, I hope you gave him your autograph.

The antithesis of me

2008-02-20T12:02:00.000-08:00

Polar effing opposite. Cipo's as P-R-O they come. Nevermind the fact that he spent last weekend south of the border with the Mainstay. Or the fact that the guy took more HGH in retirement than most ProTour riders do during their entire careers. Straight from retirement to the podium. Unreal. Drugs? Absolutely. A daily dose of his hair products alone would make the average rider test positive. But say what you want; there is not enough dope in all the peloton to boost most riders from retirement to the podium in just two days of racing. Cipo's got skills. And some kick ass glasses.

TOC Satge two results:

1. Tom Boonen (Bel) Quick Step

2. Heinrich Haussler (Ger) Gerolsteiner

3. Mario Cipollini (Ita) Rock Racing

4. Mark Cavendish (GBr) High Road

5. Juan Jose Haedo (Arg) Team CSC

Mainstay on the Wagon

2008-02-19T12:58:00.000-08:00

Just got word from the Mainstay that he quit drinking this week....Again. Don't be a quitter Mainstay. Quitters never win.

I spent the weekend in Charleston, SC doing some super secret training. Like any self-respecting amateur would do the week before the race season kicks off, I located a couple group rides to throw down on. The first one had four people, including myself. The second one, three...then two. Lots of Primal Wear. A whole lot. As much as you could fit on 3 guys, not including myself. Maybe they actually would've talked to me if I was kicking some Incredible Hulk or AC/DC gear. But I wasn't, and they didn't...

Mainstay opted for another shot at Farmer Road on the Tucker 500. After last weekend's trip south of the border, I thought he might actually pull it off...so I dropped him a text to see how things went. Verbatim via text from the Mainstay "No. We all cracked. It was much faster than 2 weeks ago. We were an embarassment. You may want to take our stuff back." Fantastic.

This is gonna be a great year.

Amateurity...not to be confused with Immaturity.

2008-02-11T12:31:00.000-08:00

Clearly I've been stricken with both, and it showed this weekend at the 2008 Pacesetter Steel Service Cycling Team camp. Training camp? Maybe. Drinking camp? Yes, please and thank you. This report will have to be delivered in chapters...primarily because the details are slowly coming back to me. Very slowly. I've got a sprained liver and some battered legs. To protect the innocent, some (read: all) of the fine print will never grace these pages. And quite honestly, when I think back on the weekend and the performance of the team, I'm proud, disgusted, afraid, nervous, and a little giddy all at the same time. Most of my disgust is for The Mainstay, who missed the whole thing for a weekend of Mexican motorpacing. For that, you're fired...at least until you win a sprint at the Tucker 500.

I'm proud of the fact that this group of amateurs was able to lay it down for 6 hrs and 120 miles in tornado-like conditions...after a night of hard drinking. I'm also proud of the fact that this same group of amateurs followed up said ride with another 10 hours of heavy drinking. And followed that up with another wind-whipped ride on Sunday morning. Find me a Pro that can pull that off. You won't. Because when it comes to drinking AND riding, a Pro is an Amateur. And to borrow one from The Imposter; the man who so often steals from me- Pros of the world, I present you with this:

You know training camp is a success when you have riders hitching rides back to the hotel at 3 a.m. with the Papa John's pizza guy. Corky- how do you get lost (on foot) in a town that you lived in for 7 years? Seriously. It's less than a square quarter-mile in its entirity. You've seen every inch of it. I'm very proud of you.

And I guess we picked up a new teammate along the way. Apparently Captain Skymall is now scouting talent for Pacesetter Steel Service. Maybe Locos isn't hiring. Skymall even graced us with his presence for Sunday's ride. Just like old times. Now back to our new teammate. Imposter, what is going on here? First it's the roomate, now it's Big Jon. We need to get you a W, son! With every passing week, this pattern is becoming increasingly clear. It's becoming more and more apparent that the ladies aren't flocking to the hardest worker. The good news is as follows: The Imposter will be bringing home the bacon (and the ladies) this weekend in the year's first Tundra TT. Know this. It's for real this time, and I'm posting another poll just to make sure everyone's in agreement here.

Mexican motorpacing

2008-02-06T19:25:00.000-08:00

Mainstay goes all Rasmussen on us. He's been notified that team camp (aka big group ride) will be the weekend of February 9-10, and what does he do? He plans a trip to San Diego (where the real pros actually go for camp). Or at least that's where he says he is going. Take a look at the map. It's no coincidence that the border lies a meager few miles south of town. We all know he will be doing more than a little Mexican motorpacing down in Tijuana. Don't be surprised when the boy comes back actually winning sprints at the Tucker 500....or Airport even. Team management is currently under the impression that he will be missing camp to spend a sunny weekend with his wife in California. I'm not even sure he's really married. Mainstay, I don't even know you anymore.