Both hands on the wheel. 10 and 2. Especially in the rain.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Pacesetter signs new rider to replace The Mainstay

Due to his lackluster performances at the Tucker 500 thus far, The Mainstay's contract with the Pacesetter Steel Service Cycling Team has officially been terminated. Look for his replacement to be flying the Pacesetter colors at the Albany Georgia Cup this weekend. Feel free to walk up and say hello...his name is Wes, and his photo is below. I'm expecting good things...with a mustache like that, the guy's gotta be fast.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

For sale: Divine Intervention. 20 bucks.

The below email was just forwarded to me by my dad. Read all the way to the bottom. Clearly this is Divine Intervention. I couldn't make this one up:

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE. You are special- Don't EVER forget it. If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems. And remember:

Amateurs built the ark ..
Professionals built the Titanic. (that's right bitches) ed.

If God brings you to
it - He will bring you through it.

Amateurs rejoice. It's ON.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Morning wood no mas

Somebody's no longer sporting wood. Guess who? With all the help (cursing) I gave him in the race, he couldn't close the deal. Again. And guess who did? Yep, the ladyfriend. She won the ladies race. Imposter, not only is she hanging with the winners, but she's now one herself. As if it didn't look bad enough before. This is looking downright grim. If you're not careful, you're going to get a new nickname- The 23 year-old Virgin. Oh shit, I think it just happened. Sorry 'bout that.

Truth be told, I think The 23 year-old Virgin is the reason for my last post. I'm pretty sure I saw him at the pointy end of an insanely long single file line of riders...which I was viewing from the caboose. The boy's going fast right now, and it's only a matter of time before he brings home the bacon and the lady. My money's on a result this weekend in Albany. For real. And the course doesn't even suit him.

The Mainstay on the other hand...still getting worked at the Tucker 500. The Mainstay text update went as follows: "First loser...again. Even with a lead out from a PRO!". The next morning when I inquired about an afternoon ride, I was treated to "If you're cool, you're having a bloody mary like me." That pretty much set the tone for the ride ahead. We stopped at one coffee shop and two different bars and consumed a few Belgian beers and multiple PBR tallboys apiece. It was a 6 hour ride, with 1 hour of pedal time. If that's not a guaranteed training plan for eternal Amateurity, I don't know what is.

Monday, February 25, 2008

The day I almost got dropped in the 1st 500 meters of a road race

It was a Saturday in Greenville. Last Saturday. I went on to get dropped for real not that many meters later. I didn't get lapped though. I got the hell out of there. I can laugh about getting lapped once in my life. But twice...I'm just not going to let that happen. Not on my watch. It's gonna be a great year. I can feel it.

Friday, February 22, 2008

It's about to get ugly

This weekend is the official kick-off of the race season with the Donaldson Center road race in Greenville, SC. For some reason this race is always a disaster for me. I go there thinking I'm fit, and I'm trying to envision how I'm going to put myself in a spot to win. Then the wheels come off; sometimes literally. Bad things always seem to happen here. I've even been lapped at this race. It's a road race. Lapped. In this case, there was a huge crash; I got tagged in the head by a flying bike, and instead of taking a free lap (who the fuck takes a free lap in a road race?) like the other 50 guys involved did, I rode on. So I took a lap...but not a free lap. I paid for it. And for the first and hopefully last time in my life, I got lapped in a road race. Only a true Amateur can pull that off.
The good news is that normally when I have a horrible race here, I have a decent few races ahead. When I was even more Amateur than I am now, I got dropped somewhere around the first lap of this race, then came back to win Raccoon Mountain a couple weeks later. It's kinda like the par 3 tournament at the Masters. You don't want to win it. So I've got one goal this weekend. Don't win. I've been giving it some thought, and I think I can pull this off. Hell, I've been doing it for years.

While focusing on not winning, I will be trying my best to help Chaz Michael Michaelson win the Masters race, then helping The Imposter bring down a W in the Pro1/2. The Imposter's a very hard man right now. He said so himself. And he really needs to get laid. Victory is the only option here. Chaz on the other hand needs some sleep tonight. Cinderella's gotta get ready for the ball.

Meanwhile, Mainstay will be chasing that elusive win at the Tucker 500. Don't count on any good news from that camp. Remote text commentary with the Mainstay will be posted after the official results of the Tucker 500 are released. Until then, please take the time to place a wager on your favorite rider in the latest poll.

Somebody's got a hard on.

It's this guy. And as well he should. He's lost his ladyfriend to his roomate, Big Jon, Crowe, and whoever else might be winning something, somewhere. Imposter, win something. For that, you just might get lucky. It's for your own good. And it will look good on your resume.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Cipo's brush with greatness

So Corky's hanging out signing autographs in Vegas like usual, and this guy pulls up a chair, steals the pen and starts signing away. Like he's somebody. I wonder if he even knew the amateur he was sitting next to. He should've asked...and then he should've asked him for an autograph. I've seen Corky do things that I never thought humanly possible. He's a machine. In college he took doping to a whole new level, and he didn't even ride a bike. At the age of 35, he still gets chauffeured around Athens by pizza delivery guys. Corky, I hope you gave him your autograph.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The antithesis of me

Polar effing opposite. Cipo's as P-R-O they come. Nevermind the fact that he spent last weekend south of the border with the Mainstay. Or the fact that the guy took more HGH in retirement than most ProTour riders do during their entire careers. Straight from retirement to the podium. Unreal. Drugs? Absolutely. A daily dose of his hair products alone would make the average rider test positive. But say what you want; there is not enough dope in all the peloton to boost most riders from retirement to the podium in just two days of racing. Cipo's got skills. And some kick ass glasses.

















TOC Satge two results:
1. Tom Boonen (Bel) Quick Step
2. Heinrich Haussler (Ger) Gerolsteiner
3. Mario Cipollini (Ita) Rock Racing
4. Mark Cavendish (GBr) High Road
5. Juan Jose Haedo (Arg) Team CSC

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Mainstay on the Wagon

Just got word from the Mainstay that he quit drinking this week....Again. Don't be a quitter Mainstay. Quitters never win.

I spent the weekend in Charleston, SC doing some super secret training. Like any self-respecting amateur would do the week before the race season kicks off, I located a couple group rides to throw down on. The first one had four people, including myself. The second one, three...then two. Lots of Primal Wear. A whole lot. As much as you could fit on 3 guys, not including myself. Maybe they actually would've talked to me if I was kicking some Incredible Hulk or AC/DC gear. But I wasn't, and they didn't...

Mainstay opted for another shot at Farmer Road on the Tucker 500. After last weekend's trip south of the border, I thought he might actually pull it off...so I dropped him a text to see how things went. Verbatim via text from the Mainstay "No. We all cracked. It was much faster than 2 weeks ago. We were an embarassment. You may want to take our stuff back." Fantastic.

This is gonna be a great year.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Amateurity...not to be confused with Immaturity.

Clearly I've been stricken with both, and it showed this weekend at the 2008 Pacesetter Steel Service Cycling Team camp. Training camp? Maybe. Drinking camp? Yes, please and thank you. This report will have to be delivered in chapters...primarily because the details are slowly coming back to me. Very slowly. I've got a sprained liver and some battered legs. To protect the innocent, some (read: all) of the fine print will never grace these pages. And quite honestly, when I think back on the weekend and the performance of the team, I'm proud, disgusted, afraid, nervous, and a little giddy all at the same time. Most of my disgust is for The Mainstay, who missed the whole thing for a weekend of Mexican motorpacing. For that, you're fired...at least until you win a sprint at the Tucker 500.

I'm proud of the fact that this group of amateurs was able to lay it down for 6 hrs and 120 miles in tornado-like conditions...after a night of hard drinking. I'm also proud of the fact that this same group of amateurs followed up said ride with another 10 hours of heavy drinking. And followed that up with another wind-whipped ride on Sunday morning. Find me a Pro that can pull that off. You won't. Because when it comes to drinking AND riding, a Pro is an Amateur. And to borrow one from The Imposter; the man who so often steals from me- Pros of the world, I present you with this:


















You know training camp is a success when you have riders hitching rides back to the hotel at 3 a.m. with the Papa John's pizza guy. Corky- how do you get lost (on foot) in a town that you lived in for 7 years? Seriously. It's less than a square quarter-mile in its entirity. You've seen every inch of it. I'm very proud of you.

And I guess we picked up a new teammate along the way. Apparently Captain Skymall is now scouting talent for Pacesetter Steel Service. Maybe Locos isn't hiring. Skymall even graced us with his presence for Sunday's ride. Just like old times. Now back to our new teammate. Imposter, what is going on here? First it's the roomate, now it's Big Jon. We need to get you a W, son! With every passing week, this pattern is becoming increasingly clear. It's becoming more and more apparent that the ladies aren't flocking to the hardest worker. The good news is as follows: The Imposter will be bringing home the bacon (and the ladies) this weekend in the year's first Tundra TT. Know this. It's for real this time, and I'm posting another poll just to make sure everyone's in agreement here.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Mexican motorpacing

Mainstay goes all Rasmussen on us. He's been notified that team camp (aka big group ride) will be the weekend of February 9-10, and what does he do? He plans a trip to San Diego (where the real pros actually go for camp). Or at least that's where he says he is going. Take a look at the map. It's no coincidence that the border lies a meager few miles south of town. We all know he will be doing more than a little Mexican motorpacing down in Tijuana. Don't be surprised when the boy comes back actually winning sprints at the Tucker 500....or Airport even. Team management is currently under the impression that he will be missing camp to spend a sunny weekend with his wife in California. I'm not even sure he's really married. Mainstay, I don't even know you anymore.


Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Training camp (big group ride) on the horizon

This weekend is the Pacesetter Steel Service Cycling Team training camp in Athens, GA. It's most recognizable as an amateur training camp for a couple of reasons. First of all, a Pro training camp consists of 10-14 days somewhere warm; often in California. Amateur training camp- a weekend (not a long weekend) an hour from home. Let's face it, the drinking will rival the riding. We've invited a couple hundred of our closest friends. We plan our camp around a group ride for the love of Pete. A big one. One that this guy will win (nevermind the guarantee of the Trashman). He sure as shit better win. His roommate is making him look silly, and looks to be moving in on his girl. The camera doesn't lie. What's going on over there?! Imposter, it's time to step up the game! I strongly encourage it, because as any self-respecting amateur team director knows, the mantra in these parts is "Win or you're fired". Or at least win or lose your ladyfriend to your roommate. Most importantly, it's a group ride, and group ride results trump anything that can possibly happen this race season. My resume is chock full of 'em. How do you think this amateur has moved up through the ranks?! A solid string of top 5's at the Tuesday night crit, that's how.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Mainstay's double penetration weekend a wild success

That's right...back to back Tucker 500 and Airport ride. I hate the ride, but I have to admit, Tucker went a little better this time than the last. I finished with no broken bones, road rash, concussions, or torn ligaments. No torn clothes, broken glasses, or cracked helmets. No ambulances, fire trucks, or hospital visits. Hell, I was even conscious the whole time. If that's not a good start to the weekend, I don't know what is.

First off, Mainstay took second in the Farmer Road sprint. He says that's a podium...I say he's the first loser. Bridesmaid at best. Being Mr. Consistency that he is, he took third in the uphill sprint at Airport ride on Sunday. Second loser. Flower girl. Guess who won that one? The Amateur. With one gear- a 12. All day. That's how I roll. If I was a pro (let's not kid ourselves) it would've been an 11. But I'm an amateur and a 12 is tough enough for me. No one even noticed that I was riding a triple up front.

Airport was followed up with a 4 hour lunch at Brickstore to get warmed up for the Super Bowl celebration at the Casa de Mainstay. Thanks for the hospitality, Mainstay. Thanks also for the way I feel today.

A few quick stats for the weekend:

Number of gears I had on Saturday: 20
Number of gears I had on Sunday: 2
Number of sprints won on Saturday: 0
Number of sprints won on Sunday: 1
Number of shifters that are broken on my bike: 1
Number of shifters I'm about to have to buy: 2
Average wattage: still no power meter, but the way my knees feel today, maybe kinda high?
Average speed: fastish. My computer is still wireless, and not in a good way.
Average HR: high. When I could focus to look at my monitor, I saw some pretty big numbers.

Special shoutouts to the Shrinking Man, Trashman, and Calvin who attended some or all of the Mainstay's Double Penetration Extravaganza. Also, please note that Trashman will win the Toccoa WBL. He told me that yesterday.